Carter rolls up to some patients' holding pen and asks who's next. A young blonde in a low-cut black French maid's costume says she is; she's holding a gauze pad over a cut on her right forearm. She steps forward and clomps past Carter; he gets an eyeful of her booty (or, as the French say, "son butin") as she passes. Carter's young and horny. Check.
Mark treats a sort of doughy-looking middle-aged guy who has what appears to be abdominal pain. As he sifts through what look to be a pile of phone messages Lydia's just handed him, Mark tells Mr. Lawkowski, his patient, "I'm going to admit you to the hospital and start you on a medical regimen. There's some question in my mind as to whether that's necessary, but I think it's better to be safe than sorry." By this point, Mark has walked into the foreground of the shot, so he's between the camera and Mr. Lawkowski when the latter starts crying. Mark turns quizzically at the sound, and Mr. Lawkowski sobs, "I know the truth. You don't have to hide it from me." Mark's all, "Guh?" and Mr. Lawkowski presses, "I know you're being nice to me, but you can tell me. It's okay, I want to know the truth." Mark blandly -- and a little contemptuously -- informs Mr. Lawkowski, "You have a duodenal ulcer with complicating pancreatitis -- rather mild pancreatitis, judging from the lab figures. That's all you have." Mr. Lawkowski breathes, "Come on, you can tell me, please." Mark gets all pissy as he insists, "You don't have cancer, Mr. Lawkowski." Mr. Lawkowski loses it and whimpers, "Geez! I knew it, I knew it! It's cancer! And you were hiding it!" He sobs some more. Mark tries to muster up some human compassion as he lectures, "Mr. Lawkowski, every person that comes into this hospital -- whether they [sic] have a heart attack or a skin rash -- everybody's worried about cancer. You do not have cancer, I swear to you. You. Do not. Have. Cancer." Mr. Lawkowski snorts up a big gob of snot and hopefully asks, "It's not cancer?" "No," Mark assures him. "You have an ulcer, which flared up today because you went to a party and drank and smoked, both of which you're going to have to quit." Mr. Lawkowski takes a deep breath and repeats, "Quit smoking and drinking?" Mark says that's right. Mr. Lawkowski, mad now, barks, "Quit smoking and drinking? What are you, kidding me?" Wah-wah. You know, I really feel the point has been made that many patients in the ER are annoying weirdos. Did this episode really have to be two hours long? REALLY?