A Simple Twist of Fate

Episode Report Card
Heathen: B | 1 USERS: A+
A Simple Twist of Fate

Frank moans that he needs to bolt before both ends start to leak. Do you suppose we really needed three straight weeks of barfing? First Eleanor, then Lizzie and Ella, and now the rest of the damn hospital? Lord, if it's not a pregnant person, it's a puking person. Between heaves, Frank tells Susan that he called reinforcements and establishes that anyone who ate the free bagels is destined for a romp with the Technicolor yawn. Chen watches him yak with growing discomfort. "I ate one of those bagels," she groans. It's here that I noticed she's performing the endoscopy on Midget Maeve the Love Slave, and the images flashing on the monitor are, in fact, the ho's innards. It's gross. The tunnels look like raw, coiled shrimp, no wordplay intended. It's not pleasant.

Abby briskly approaches her front stoop, and slows down in utter shock when she sees a badly beaten Joyce sitting dazedly on the steps. The right side of Joyce's face is bloodied and bruised, with a big gash on her cheek. She's half-conscious and shivering uncontrollably, barefoot. "He came back," Joyce mutters vacantly. "I just started running. I hid down the street until he left again." People pass by the steps, which is odd because it implies people walked right past the scene of the beating and the bleeding Joyce and didn't think twice about it. ["That gave me the willies, too." -- Wing Chun] Abby insists on taking Joyce to the hospital for an x-ray because she thinks Brian shattered her cheekbone. Joyce protests weakly and meekly, staring emptily into space, but lets Abby wrap her ghostly frame in a coat and doesn't fight her as they prepare to leave.

Susan and a nauseated Malik treat a man whose lung collapsed when a falling icicle pierced his chest. "Am I dying?" the man moans. And that's it. The lottery winner who immediately succumbed to lousy luck -- the one from the episode description -- disappears right here. So much for that backstory. ER's scripts have been so chopped up lately that the show always gets busted by its episode descriptions. I'm not even sure what sin "lottery winner" is supposed to be. Greed? Satanic Good Fortune? Whatever. Malik threatens to puke just as a green-hued Weaver ducks into the trauma room and shares that Mark will come down to pick up her shift. "If I'm working a double, you're not stiffing me after a few hours," scolds Susan. Weaver shakily adds that she called Luka to help, but she has to go home now. Like, NOW. Susan whirls around, amused and irritated at once. "You ate the bagels?" she gapes. Hee. Who can resist a sweet pillowy bagel? So she's a food hypocrite -- so what? Susan should, if you think about it, be grateful that Weaver stopped her, because if she hadn't, Susan would be riding the vomit comet just like everyone else.

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