ER
An Intern's Guide To The Galaxy

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An Intern's Guide To The Galaxy

Ray, Neela, and Abby all get called to the rig to help; it's a fifteen-year-old kid with a bullet wound in his chest. As they wheel him inside, they find out that there are no open trauma rooms, and apparently no room for them through the triage barrier. So they stand there in the waiting room and work on the wounded kid, in full view of a lot of traumatized men, women, and children. Were I there, they would not need a vomit comet; I could happily produce all on my own. Abby and Ray snap to it quickly, but a zoned-out Neela needs to be yelled at in order to get going. The kid needs a chest tube, so Ray whips out his handy-dandy scalpel and removes the protective covering. "You carry a scalpel?" Abby blinks. "Bone saw's too bulky," he says. Ray then wants Neela to do something, so she appears to take over digging around in the kid's side until a massive volcano of blood erupts in Ray's direction. "Huge hemothorax," Neela deadpans. Ray is loving being covered in blood, because, like, that's so rock and roll. So Ozzy. Whatever she did worked, though, because the kid has a pulse and Susan arrives right in time to escort them to an empty trauma room. She compliments their initiative as all the squicked-out patients stare at them with jaws hanging open. All three of them pant tiredly, standing in a river of blood down which viewership and fan loyalty is sailing merrily away. Then Ray holds up his bloodied hands. "Next?" he grins, wiggling them. We smash to the credits willing to concede that Shane West did at least get that one right.

When we return, Susan is at the board rattling off a question to the interns. Neela cracks wise to Abby about the abbreviations Susan is using, so of course, Susan calls on her -- and Neela delivers a perfect, technical answer, as she always did. A nearby Pratt smarms that she's showing them all up despite being a month behind. Here's the first clue that it's still August in Chicago right now: they play pass the buck with the next question someone lobs at them, ending with Ray throwing it to a posse of med students "for a new dishwasher and a lifetime supply of Ensure!" They answer it right, everyone's happy, dishes will be clean, and calcium will be supplemented in their diets. Ray gives a dorky fist-tap to his nerdiest student, half of a pair that will be tailing Ray for the day. That leaves Urbanus, who leans forward on the front desk and gazes adoringly at Abby. She winces. "Good morning, Urbanus," she says through a gritty smile. "Guess I'm with you again," he drools. I hate the people at NBC for teasing me with the prospect that hot Eion Bailey (Band of Brothers, Center Stage) would be playing this role. It is not Eion Bailey. My tongue will remain firmly inside my mouth.

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