Previously on Everyone's Reproducing: Sandy Lopez had a baby. Susan is having a baby. Kem is having Carter's baby. Sperm! It's what's for dinner. I hope a condom company starts sponsoring this show immediately. Also: Kem's back in Congo, Sam and Luka hooked up, Chen left for China because her parents got in a car accident, and Neela got a bit claustrophobic during her NICU rotation.
Shortly before 5 AM, a woman starts thrashing and moaning in her bed. We can't see who it is. At first, I thought it was Sam, and my heart plummeted, because it sounds like an orgasm crossed with death-by-machete, and if that's the kind of sex noises Luka elicits, then I need to seriously rethink some things. But when the woman sits up and roars, "Nolan, it's happening," I realized with relief that Luka's groin would maintain its reputation. Nolan slumbers through her squalling; the pregnant woman waddles down the hall to her kids' bedroom, and the camera pans down to her feet from her belly. Based on the shot composition, I half-expected to see a gusher of water drop between her feet. I'm relieved TPTB avoided sailing us down the river Labor. Mrs. Nolan prattles at the kids, but they ignore her, the ungrateful wretches, so the mother nudges them -- and realizes they're stone-cold unconscious. Freaking out, she screams their names, and then pads back into her bedroom. "Nolan?" she yells, desperate. We smash to the credits, grateful that the first scene of the show can be summed up in one easy-to-type Onion-esque sentence: "Pregnant Woman Can't Arouse Husband."
An hour later, it actually is Sam's turn to be lying in bed. She rolls awake, takes one look at the clock, and realizes that the alarm never went off. Freaking, she rolls over, and there's Luka, dozing next to her. Hooray for them (hands off him, ho)."Time to leave," Sam whispers, throwing Luka's clothes at him. "Hey!" he protests loudly. Real subtle. Sam worries that Alex might already be awake; Luka pulls her down and traps her with a slow and very, very, very sexy kiss. Sam gives over to it for a second as Luka purrs, "I didn't hear the TV." Sam holds strong, though, and boots Luka. That woman is clad in iron, rolled in steel, and encased in the type of black box that survives airplane crashes. But beyond that, since he's naked, she's clearly insane. "Can I at least get a shower?" he laughs. The first time, I thought he said, "Can I at least get a show?," and I had this image of Sam in a burlesque bedroom spectacular with acrobats, a headdress, a bejewelled whip, and some goats. Sam gets up, and Luka smiles affectionately after her, at what we presume is her ass.