Episode Report Card
Heathen: D+ | Grade It Now!

Sam arrives home and unlocks the door, only to be thwarted by the chain lock. She sucks wind and shouts, "Open up!" She looks royally pissed. Steve peers through the door and says, "You're home early." Sam glares at him so hard that she fogs up her corneas. Slowly, Steve unhooks the chain lock and lets her inside. She promptly storms in there and asks what they're doing. "Alex is supposed to be in school," she rages. "Dad said it was okay," Alex says. For someone who's supposedly as bright and curious as Alex is, he is so incredibly dumb. As if that excuse was going to work. "It's not exactly his call, is it?" Sam asks frostily, switching off the television set and thusly the incredibly loud noises emanating from it. A strange dude I just noticed decides that this is his moment to exit stage right. "I'm outta here," he drawls. Sam's like, "What the...DIE." Alex glares at her as she drags Steve into the kitchen to commence Asshole Relocation Surgery. She reams him for pulling Alex out of school, and when Steve begins to answer, Sam's face registers horror. "You're high," she realizes. "What?" Steve tries to play dumb. "You smoked dope in front of him?" she cries, trying to keep her voice down. Steve shrugs that he took a few hits outside while Alex was watching TV. "No big deal," he insists. "To me it is," Sam seethes. Steve changes tacks, putting the puppy-dog eyes into effect and murmuring pathetically that he just wanted to take Alex to his job interview. "He got the coolest job ever," a beaming Alex pipes up. "He's gonna manage this apartment building." At first I thought that meant the very one in which Sam lives, but later Steve lists a different location, so...carry on. Nothing to see here. Sam's flabbergasted, especially when Alex delightedly shares that Steve gets a free apartment in the deal. "So now I can live with Dad, too!" he enthuses. We fade to black on an irritated Sam making the same face she's made for half of the season, and we perhaps begin to wonder how, after ten years, she hasn't figured out a way to deal with this nightmare.

At the courthouse, The Bald Eagle is trying to prep Kerry for the hearing. Weaver's mad that she's getting judged on being a single parent, arguing that surely it's not her fault she didn't have a bigger extended family, and that her young age should be considered an advantage over the "elderly" Lopez parents. It's all point-counterpoint. Chrome Dome sighs that he's simply trying to come at her the way this conservative judge might. "Her idea of what represents the best interest of a family is basic -- two parents, a man and a woman," he explains. "Unless she's planning to take away the children of every other single parent in Chicago and place them with a heterosexual couple, she's a hypocrite," steams Kerry. The Bald Stallion agrees tiredly, having probably been on the listening end of a lot of similar tirades. Kerry rants that the idea of a perfect family and child-rearing environment is a total myth, and then catches her breath in her throat. "They brought him," she whispers. Cut to Florina cradling Henry. The Bald Ranger babbles on and on about the case, but Weaver's not even looking at him or listening. "He's grown," she murmurs. And morphed. I swear Henry looks like a different child every time he appears.

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