Foreign Affairs

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Heathen: C+ | Grade It Now!
Foreign Affairs

Susan amusedly asks Romano what happened to his dire diagnosis of Slugger. "I had an ER overreaction kick in," he lies glibly. "I worked through it." Susan smiles and continues on her way, yawning hard. Chuck appears in the background and breaks into "Wake Up, Little Susie." Susan giggles. Chuck waves a sheaf of papers at her. "The end of the affair," he intones. Luka interrupts, running around trying to get people secured for Ante's surgery. Susan toddles off to take care of something else, leaving Chuck conveniently alone with Luka. "What are you doing tonight?" Luka whispers. "You," I murmur huskily. "And maybe a jar of peanut butter." My roommate looks at me strangely and promptly calls my mother. "Take it easy, cowboy. I'm a married man," Chuck protests comically. Hee. I like Chuck. He's pleasant. It's nice to have someone around whose face isn't droopy or sour or frowning or quacking or overly tanned or Chen's.

Abby arrives at the funeral, helped out of the limo by its chauffeur. She crosses the street and stops when she sees Carter hugging a fellow mourner. He turns to look at Abby, and she continues toward him nervously, reaching for his hand. Carter takes hers, and they cross to their seats. As the funeral begins, we hear a loud Road Runner cartoon. Cut inside the limo, where Eric is staring at the cartoon like it's Bill Nye The Science Guy dubbed in Swahili. He chugs vodka from a crystal carafe and squints at the set, wondering what on earth that giant metal thing labeled "ACME" is, and why that poor, industrious coyote keeps getting crushed by it.

Outside, as the minister mentions the "grand entrance to the land of light," Abby grabs Carter's hand and moves it into her lap. How...euphemistic of her. She squeezes it with both of her own, smiling with affectionate concern at her once and future doormat. Then her face falls as she spies Eric staggering out of the limo and treating a nearby tree to a golden shower. Carter notices her craned neck and turns his head; Stephen follows suit. Eric rejiggers his pants and starts stumbling toward the congregated mourners. Abby swallows hard and gets up to intercept him, leaving Carter flaring his nostrils like a thoroughbred after the Kentucky Derby. "What are you doing?" Abby hisses. Eric drools that there was a mini-bar in the limo, and vodka abuses his bladder. She pleads with him to get back in the car. "I'm trying to make this work, Abby," he slurs. "I swear to God, you've just got to give me a little more room here." He gets past her, so Abby grabs his arm and jerks him around to face her. "If you don't get back in that car, I will get a gun and I will shoot you dead," she threatens classily. For someone with as much history with manic depression and alcohol as she has, Abby's not terribly effective at dealing with people under the influence of them. Eric fights her loudly, drawing a sidelong glance from the minister. Carter and Stephen stand up and stroll toward Abby and Eric. "Hey, John, what's up," Eric breezes, trying to act normal. "Sorry about your grandmother. It's tough to lose somebody." Carter pleasantly tries to move Eric away from the group, but Eric interrupts him. "Quite a send-off. She must've been very loved," Eric babbles. "Or very rich." He dissolves into snorting giggles while Abby prepares to drop through the Earth. Eric knocks into a huge wreath, which falls over. "I don't feel so good," he mumbles, losing his balance completely and tipping into Gamma's open burial plot. The mourners gasp. Nobody said anything about gifting Millicent with an eternal boy-toy. Carter, Abby, and Stephen can only stare. "You brought your brother," Carter observes archly. Abby squints up at him in dread, and we cut to commercials wondering why in the name of the sweet little angel-baby Jesus this show tried to turn itself into Absolutely Fabulous. Although I have to say, this episode is the most interested I have ever been in Gamma.

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