ER
Greene With Envy

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Greene With Envy

Thanks to The Pasha, Wendola, Glark, and Wing.

Previously on ER, Carter carves another notch into his blonde belt, Jeanie and Reggie decide to get married, Kerry mentions her new position as chief of emergency medicine about seventeen thousand times, and Carla tells Benton he may not be Reese's father.

Fade up on Hawkeye wandering through the ER and taking stock of the place as sirens wail in the background. He approaches the front desk and asks Randi if he can have Betsy's Wedding officially stricken from the public's consciousness -- oops, actually, he tells her he's looking for Dr. Weaver, and Randi says, "She went that way, handing out badges." Hawkeye and the audience both say, "Excuse me?" and Randi makes a "whatever" face and holds up a laminated backstage-pass-type thing. Hawkeye reads off of it, "'Creativity, Accountability, Respect, Excellence.' That's a lot to live up to." Randi smiles tightly and hails Malik, saying Hawkeye wants to find Dr. Weaver, as Malik buzzes past the front desk with a bleeding shirtless guy in tow. Hawkeye follows them to a curtain area, and Malik tells Lucy "Edge Of" Knight that Bleeding Shirtless Guy has a cut on his arm, and Lucy asks BSG what he got stabbed with, and BSG says a carving knife, and Malik and Lucy move the shirt that BSG has wrapped around his wrist, only to release a spray of arterial blood that lands on Hawkeye's lapels. Hey, I don't think I've ever seen The Official First-Day Initiation Of The New Guy With Wayward Bodily Fluids. Oh, silly me, of course I have. On this very show. About a hundred times. Anyway, Hawkeye says, "There goes the ulnar," and he gloves up and sternly tells BSG to hold still and "don't be such a baby." Lucy asks Hawkeye if he's a doctor; Hawkeye ignores her and fashions a makeshift tourniquet from a blood-pressure cuff while giving orders to Lucy and Malik. The spouter stops. Hawkeye proudly cites the "Creativity" mentioned on the badge, and Lucy snottily asks, "Who are you?" Just then, Kerry "What's My Title?" Weaver crutches over and apologizes to Hawkeye for her lateness. They share a laugh over sutures, and Weaver introduces Hawkeye to Lucy as "Dr. Gabriel Lawrence, and he's our new attending." Hawkeye and Lucy shake hands as Jamie Farr gets off the elevator in a flowered dress and bursts into an impromptu rendition of "Coney Island Baby." Well, except for that whole Jamie Farr thing. Cut to the credits.

In the hallway, Mark "Dr. Peevil" Greene pulls on his white coat. Weaver flags him down and introduces him to Hawkeye, and Mark says he's heard a lot about Hawkeye, and Hawkeye says, "Don't hold it against me." Mark notices the blood on Hawkeye's shirt and asks, "Were you in an accident?" and Hawkeye says he started his shift a little early. Mark, all confused: "I'm sorry?" Kerry, all business-like: "Gabe is coming over from New Western as our new attending." Mark, stuffing a pen in his pocket, repeats passive-aggressively, "As our new attending." Kerry says pointedly that they're incredibly lucky to have Hawkeye, "don't you think?" and Mark says with a fake smile, "Absolutely." Kerry says she wants to give Hawkeye the grand tour, and when she invites Mark to join them, he snaps, "No, I've done the grand tour. I'm gonna get this," and does the Bald Stomp after a passing gurney. Doris briefs him on a twenty-eight-year-old who fell off his bike and lost consciousness for two minutes, and Mark half-listens while glaring over his shoulder at Hawkeye and Kerry.

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