ER
How The Finch Stole Christmas

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How The Finch Stole Christmas

Thanks to Wing Chun and The Pilgrim Hymnal.

Previously on ER: Chad's mom thinks he does drugs, and he says he doesn't, and Lucy frowns; Corday threatens to let a guy bleed to death if he doesn't tell the cops where he left his victim; Carol thanks Mark for helping her give birth to the twins; Romano tells Corday he didn't think she had it in her "to cross that line," and Corday looks abashed.

As "Sleigh Ride" plays in the background and a phone rings, fade up on "Hark The" Carol "Angels Sing" Hathaway in her disaster-area kitchen, juggling a twin and a pot of food while arguing with her mother. "The day just got away from me, you know?" she says, and she says "uh-huh" a few times, and she breaks a mug and yells, "Dammit!" and then tells the twin, "Mommy didn't mean that." Oh, please. Pass the Crest, because I feel the beginnings of a cavity. The other twin starts squalling. I should mention here that both twins look like kaiser rolls that got stepped on. Anyhow. Carol tells her mom that "everything's fine, Kate's just a little cranky," and goes on to say that she feels much better and her incision has healed, and right after she stuffs a pacifier in the mouth of the twin that isn't crying -- because if we didn't hear a baby screeching in this scene, we just wouldn't grasp the fact that Carol's life has become chaotic and unmanageable, would we? -- the smoke alarm in the kitchen goes off. Carol drops the phone, dashes into the kitchen, and pokes the smoke alarm with a broom until it stops tweeting. She slumps against the counter, looking defeated. Everyone get that? Kids? Lots of work? Tiring? Got it? Great.

Cue Elizabeth "O Come, All Ye Unethical" Corday busting through a set of double doors and asking Kit, "When did the pain start?" A few minutes ago, Kit tells her, adding that "he's having difficulty breathing," and Lizzie tells her to get an EKG. She walks over to where the accused murderer-rapist lies in his bed panting, his leg up in a sling and a hand over his heart, and asks, "Mr. Rollins, where does it hurt?" As she puts her stethoscope to his chest, he murmurs, "You better watch out." "What?" Lizzie snorts. "You better not cry," Rollins pants, holding her hand under his shirt. "Let go of my hand," Lizzie snaps. Rollins sings the next few lines of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" and leers at Lizzie, who snatches her hand away and growls, "Never mind, Kit." Rollins continues singing the Bruce Springsteen version of the song, and Lizzie talks over him: "Unless you have a legitimate medical problem --" "I do," Rollins interrupts. "What?" Lizzie asks. Rollins lolls his tongue out lasciviously and says, "I'm bored." Yeah, get in line, pal. Corday loops her stethoscope back around her neck and says acidly, "Well, at least you're still alive," and Rollins arches an eyebrow and says sarcastically, "Oh, you mean unlike that poor woman they say I raped and murdered?" Lizzie puts her hands on her hips and says, "We both know the truth, don't we?" Rollins tells her in a patronizing tone that he's innocent until proven guilty, "and the DA can't prove jack -- thanks to you." The man's got a point. Lizzie says coldly that if she could do things differently, "believe me, I would." She stalks away. "Now, you would have let me die?" Rollins calls after her in a tone of mock hurt. Lizzie stops, turns around, raises her eyebrows as if to say, "Well, duh," and leaves the room.

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