ER
If I Should Fall From Grace

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If I Should Fall From Grace

Dr. Susan "The Hair Up There" Lewis breezes to the front desk. "Excuse me, ma'am," Boy Wonder says politely. "Are you Dr. Carter, by chance?" Strike one. "Lewis," she corrects. "I don't think he's in yet. And I'm not old enough to be a 'ma'am.'" The first two times I watched this scene, I honestly thought she said, "I'm not old enough to be a man." And I laughed out loud, because it made no sense and I loved it that way. Alas, the writers aren't that playful. Boy Wonder apologizes and explains that he's due to meet Carter at 8 AM. "You're a tad early," she grins. Boy Wonder is just too excited, and decided to come early. "You'll get over it," Susan chuckles, strolling away.

Susan walks up to a Mr. Hopper and spits out the rote "what seems to be the problem?" line. "I can't eat, I can't sleep," Hopper complains. "I just don't feel like myself." He's a deeply bored-looking man, and he sits cross-legged on the bed. Susan wonders whether he's been under any stress at work or at home, to which Hopper replies that the symptoms all started when he met a girl in an after-hours club and she bit him. "She bit you? Where?" Susan asks. Hopper leaps to the obvious punch line: "In the alley outside the club," he answers. That knee-slapping sound? Comes from me slapping my knee...against my forehead. Hopper pulls down his collar to reveal the alleged bite mark. Susan peers at it. "That's a hickey," she groans.

Dr. Mark "All Bare Up There" Greene holds up a skull x-ray. They're twins, except for the obvious fact that the x-ray has more charm and charisma. And hair. "Is that a zygoma fracture?" Boy Wonder asks, appearing behind Mark. "Maybe," evades Mark. Boy Wonder wants to know if Mark is Carter. Strike Two. "I'm Michael Gallant," Boy Wonder exposits. Bing! We have a name. It rhymes with "savant," for those who read but don't watch. Gallant adds that he's there to meet Carter. "Well, you found the ER," Mark notes. "That's half the battle." His attention diverted by a British banshee, Mark sheds Gallant and follows the ruckus.

"You called for a surgical consult!" rages Dr. Elizabeth "The Glare Up There" Corday, chasing a probably frightened Dr. Luka "An Insect Up Where?" Kovac. She thinks he changed his mind once he saw her; Luka just tries to escape from the scene unscathed. "He's got rectal pain!" Luka insists of his patient. "It's probably prostatitis." No dice. "That's precisely why I need to look at him," she argues. "If it's an appy, he's going to need surgery." Mark noses into the fight by offering a second opinion, so Luka exposits that his patient is a twenty-two-year-old man with right-sided tenderness and a burning sensation during urination. He's still waiting on urine and white-count test results, and claims that he didn't expect the surgical consult to come down until after the labs came back; when Elizabeth appeared earlier than expected, he decided she'd be wasting her time. "Fine!" Elizabeth shouts. "When it bursts, you can operate!" As everyone disperses, steeped in crabbiness, we faintly hear Gallant asking Kovac if he is the mythical Dr. Carter. Strike fifty-three.

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