Episode Report Card
Heathen: F | Grade It Now!

A paramedic wheels in two glaring people. One of them is played by Alison La Placa, on a break from cutting her terrifying, show-killing swath through pilot season. Alison and her fellow attorney -- who we'll call Chandler, since she was paired with Matthew Perry on the only show she's failed to kill ["though it killed her...her character, anyway" -- Wing Chun] -- have burns on the soles of their feet from walking on hot coals during a corporate bonding seminar. "Stupid idea," Alison grumbles. "If I could walk, I'd kick your ass!" Chandler snipes that it would've worked if she hadn't pushed him. "My feet were burning, you idiot!" she shouts. Carter tries to calm them down, but the Music of Impending Drama is kicking in, so obviously that's not going to work. Sure enough, he sniffs smoke and determines that something on the gurney is burning. Hysteria ensues. Chandler hops around screaming, Alison panics, and Carter starts beating the flame until it subsides. Abby grabs a fire extinguisher, points it, grimaces, and shoots -- and, ha ha HA, gets the...hee, it's so funny...gets the's too rich!...all over Carter. Bwa ha ha HA! Carter spits the white grime out of his mouth and thrashes around, confused. "Oops," Abby giggles. We fade into the credits wondering if this whole scene is a metaphor for their relationship, and if it signals any particular incompatibilities in the bedroom.

People hoping for the All Noah, All The Time credits are clearly disappointed, as here's Anthony Edwards rolling around in his chair.

Chen huffs through the hall, telling a regular patient -- Stan, who likes to sing -- that the hospital isn't a hotel. They inch toward Pratt, who is filling out some paperwork. Stan complains that he's cold. "I don't get no rest behind a dumpster," he wheedles. "I have the flu, and you don't see me in bed," Chen counters. "I'd like to," Pratt growls. Chen has him arrested for harassment, and they throw a luau. Stan grumbles about the "hippo oath" they took. Chen gives in, but then flippantly hands off Stan to Pratt. "Is this because I'm new?" Pratt complains. "No, it's because you're annoying," she grins. Stan turns to Pratt and calmly says, "I sure could use a rubdown, my brother." Mercy of mercies, the camera quits this scene.

Abby offers tetanus shots to Chandler and Alison. Carter tells them to come back tomorrow for a wound check. "I'd rather have my feet amputated," Chandler grouses. Abby points out that they don't need to return together. "What about showers?" Alison asks. "Don't have to do that together, either," Carter says under his breath. Abby quickly interjects the advice that it's fine to wash the burns, as long as they gently wipe them dry with a clean towel. Carter counters with a different recommendation. Malik, who overheard the whole thing, sarcastically tells Carter and Abby to "kiss and make up" because there's a few patients coming in from a multiple-vehicle accident. Abby and Carter smirk at each other, because they know it's only a matter of time before they lick each other.

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