No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

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Heathen: C- | Grade It Now!
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Romano opens up the next segment for us by walking into the ER doctors' lounge. He finds Michael Gallant in there cramming, and not only manages to make pleasant small talk, but waxes poetic about abdomen-related reading. Satan turns to one of his minions and says, "Is there a draft in here?" Suddenly, Romano's left arm fumbles the coffee cup, which falls to the floor. It shatters, as does Romano's demeanor. Gallant is completely at a loss for what to do, so he awkwardly offers to help; when that is declined, he excuses himself hurriedly in search of Housekeeping. Romano is left alone, staring at his hand, which is bent into a weak claw that he can barely move. He fervently wishes he's gotten a bionic arm instead of his crappy old severed one.

Dr. John Carter joins Luka and Abby in attending to a woman named Brenda who got her hand caught in a fur trap. Abby exposits that Brenda was protesting the cruelty of fur trapping when she got hurt by the fur trap, and licks the droppings of self-satisfaction dripping from her smirking maw. "Good thing you didn't try to chew it off," Carter cracks. Brenda is pretty sure this isn't funny, and preaches about the cruelty of trapping animals for the fur trade. I wonder if someone on the show is not a PeTA fan, because this scene sort of feels like they're bagging on fur protesters. Carter moves to Luka's side to help remove the trap. "So what's it going to be, huh?" Luka asks. "Chechnya, or the Congo?" Abby's head jerks up. Carter looks utterly guilty, like he knows he's going to get reamed for this later. "Um, uh, I'm still thinking about it," he says evasively. "Thinking about what?" Abby asks, a pointed and annoyed smile on her face. Luka pipes up that Carter's going off to work a stint with Alliance de Medicine Internacional. Abby cocks an eyebrow and offers a mordant, "Oh, really." Carter tries to brush it off as a whim, but Luka, seeming to enjoy seizing on this idea, avers, "Oh, he's going. I've done it three times, and it makes what we do here look like...I don't know." Carter yanks off the fur trap and curtly asks Luka if he may be excused to go get a ten-second head start on Abby. He exits, and sure enough, she follows after less than a five count. Luka has the grace to look momentarily chagrined, although I don't think he did anything intentionally.

Romano tails his doctor through the hospital, barking that he's done physical therapy every day since his arm got choppered, yet he's still not fully rehabbed. The doctor feeds him a bunch of quasi-inspirational bull about how patience and attitude are two important ingredients to recovery, yet this patient's attitude is more along the lines of "Fix the left hand, or the right fist is going to rock your world." Romano complains that the little strength he had in the hand is diminished, and sensory function is nonexistent. Dr. Ron Obvious points out that, in case it escaped Romano's memory, his arm was severed. "I'm not some poor schmuck who's worried about how he's going to hold his beer can while he whacks away watching TV," Romano seethes. Wow. Can they say that on television? I guess they can. "I want my arm back," he finishes. The doctor notes that it's a complete miracle he has a real flesh arm at all, considering it got puréed on the roof.

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