As Elizabeth pours herself some milk, Mark reads off his next item. "Smoke a hand-rolled Cuban cigar while drinking dark Caribbean rum in a sidewalk café overlooking the Havana seawall," he drawls dreamily. Elizabeth moans in delight, for what might be the first time in their entire marriage. "That's a really good one," she sighs with a euphoric smile. Mark, you stud. Take her to bed or lose her forever. Next: surf a giant wave at a place called Maverick's, which is apparently legendary for its mammoth waves. The writers had to work in a Maverick reference. Now, if only a completely unexplained goose would stroll across the screen, we'd have magic. Mark also wants to find Jerry Walker from high school and beat him to a bloody pulp. Sure. "Take the kids to Disney World," Mark reads. "Teach Ella how to ice skate at Rockefeller Center at Christmastime. Teach Rachel to drive." Elizabeth stares at Mark as his voice begins to break. "Be there to give them both away at their weddings," he finishes. Elizabeth tries to lighten the subject by suggesting that they all go to Disney World. Mark would prefer to wallow in the disaster of his life. He blurts that he's been a terrible father. "I wasn't there when [Rachel] needed me," he mourns. "I was four hundred miles away." As if it's his fault Vulcan Jen is a shrew. Mark ruefully points out the last item on A Hero's Last Documented Attempt at Futility: Fix Rachel. We hit the credits wondering if he'll have to go back in time and "fix" all the Rachels so that the seed won't be propagated.
Putting Michael Michele and Eriq La Salle in the credits sort of removes any mystery about who might turn out to visit A Hero's Last Resting Place. It detracts from the effect of seeing them later, especially when ELS is out there pumping his fist and demanding to be acknowledged.
Mark pulls up outside Rachel's school and spies her wrapped around some young hooligan. She's smoking. Hallee Hirsh clearly doesn't, though, because she's holding the damn thing like a pencil. Mark gets out of the car and hails her, so she indiscreetly hands off the cigarette to her friend and trots obediently toward her father. He nonchalantly offers her a breath mint. "I was holding it for a friend," she lies. "In your mouth?" he asks pleasantly. Rachel smartly refrains from exacerbating the lie by announcing her mouth as a storage place for all sorts of oblong objects. She lets herself be shepherded into the vehicle as Mark hurriedly makes sure she doesn't have anything in her locker that's vital to her existence. "Where are we going?" she asks, confused. "Honestly, Rachel, I don't know," Mark shrugs. Rachel watches him with amusement.