A honey-haired Abby lookalike played by Linda Cardellini is looking for Abby, ostensibly to ask her what precise dye she used on her hair, for optimal matching purposes; Frank brushes her off, because she's just dirty lint on his human experience. Then, either her instincts or the sound-effects editor fails her, because she whips her head to the side to react to a giant commotion that actually occurs a second after her head-swivel.
Chuny and Dr. Greg "The Jerk" Pratt run down the hall, where Malarkey is freaking out, shitting the brick that will lay the foundation for the funeral home at which his career will be cremated. It seems Security locked Wile E. Coyote in one of the rooms so that he could go nuts and rant about evil messengers while everyone watches, eats popcorn, and places bets on how long it'll take for him to choke on his own bile. One of the guards gets the bright idea to shoot pepper spray into the room, because he'd like the chance to use it for something other than seasoning his steak dinner. Scornfully, Pratt points out that it'll cause mayhem when it wafts into other areas of the hospital, so he and Dr. Nick "Wet Hot American" Cooper grab a gurney and a mattress, charge into the room, and pin the man down so that Malarkey can stick him with some calming Haldol. Trouble is, Malarkey's busy shitting the Malarkey & Sons Bereavement Parlor atrium, and so can't do anything but hold the needle and quiver. Chuny just stands there staring at Malarkey instead of doing something useful, like grabbing the needle herself. This, of course, is like handing a cape and tights to the new girl: she charges down the hall, rips the syringe out of Malarkey's hand, and barges into the room with superhero authority. "Uh, the thigh!" Malarkey titters unhelpfully just as New Girl authoritatively stabs Wile E. Coyote's neck and starts injecting. Pratt frowns at her. He didn't remember Abby having such white teeth. From behind her, a newly arrived Dr. Robert "Body Parts" Romano groans, "Please tell me you work here." With a bright smile and an air of competent nonchalance, Linda Cardellini smiles and says, "Sam Taggart. New nurse." We smash into the credits wishing she were Haleh, because we'd love to see Haleh delivering some whoop-ass and a needle to some doomed thrasher's neck.
A kindly African-American woman taps on the window of triage and says, "How much longer, little girl?" Sam is tempted to drop her pants, squeal, "Whee! I'm THIS many!" and hold up her middle finger. But she resists, because that's not the kind of behavior that gets you into the opening credits. "You're twenty down," Sam says instead, politely. "Twenty minutes?" the woman asks hopefully. Sam shoots her a look that clearly says, "Not even close," and promises to do what she can. Romano sweeps through the room like an ill wind. "What's today's excuse for triage being a stinking, overpopulated cesspool of humanity?" he bitches. "The healthcare system?" Sam fires back in a really stilted, obvious attempt to make her look spunky. Quietly, Sam draws Malarkey's attention to the woman and asks him to rush her through, claiming it's just a hangover and will be a very quick exam. Malarkey suddenly decides that Luka needs him in the trauma room and toddles off. Probably to call someone useful.