Sand And Water

Episode Report Card
Sand And Water

Lisa pushes open the door to Stroke Lady's trauma room and is redirected to the one adjacent, where Regina (formerly Screamy Mom) is crying and freaking out. Chuny tells Regina that her husband's on his way. Lisa asks Chen how far along Regina is, and, hearing the answer of twenty-two weeks, mutters, "Let's hope it's a few more." Regina moans, "Stop it! Please, stop it!" Chen asks where the resident is, and Lisa brightly answers, "You got me instead." Chen gives her Regina's stats: her membranes are intact, but she's dilated to six centimetres and fully effaced. Regina labours mightily to regain the name of "Screamy Mom" by whining, "Can you stop it?" Lisa asks her whether she's had any ultrasounds during her pregnancy. Regina says that she had one a month ago and that her doctor said she was fine. Chen quietly fills Lisa in that Regina's doctor is in Indianapolis and that they're confirming the dates. Regina sobs, "Why is this happening?" Lisa flatly says, "Sometimes women go into pre-term labour for no apparent reason." Regina blubbers, "I shouldn't have come! I should have stayed home!" Lisa assures her that it's not her fault, and tells her that the fact that her membranes haven't ruptured is good, and that they're giving her something to help her baby's lungs mature, just in case. Regina suddenly rears up and growls, "Oh, no! I feel pressure!" As the Tympani of Danger start up on the soundtrack, Chen and Lisa exchange anxious looks. Lisa announces, "Strong contractions." Chen says that Regina is leaking amniotic fluid. Helping no one, Regina hysterically cries, "Make them stop! You've got to make them stop! It's too early!" Chen calls out drug orders, and Lisa adds, "Get a baby warmer in here." Regina seizes on the only part of the instructions she understands and screams, "NO! It's too early!" Oh, it is? The gestation period for a fetus isn't, in fact, twenty-two weeks? Oh, so that's why everyone is swarming your bed like a bunch of extraordinarily helpful and solicitous bees. And, what's that? You don't want to give birth right now? No problem. We'll just leave the little tyke up there. Mind you, you'll have to stick food, drink, various toys (I recommend Beanie Babies as the easiest to form into a shape conducive for introduction to the womb), and maybe eventually an iBook, and then he'll be set until he has to graduate from high school, at which time you'll be forced to cut the cord. Literally. Ma'am, your water just broke. Your baby is about to be born. All this "it's too early" and "make it stop" business? Really not helpful. Do shut up.

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