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Episode Report Card
Heathen: B- | 474 USERS: B-
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Secrets And Lies

Abby clears her throat and turns the attention to Gallant. She draws out that he's in the Army reserve, getting free medical school in exchange for serving periodic time in the armed forces. We knew that; they didn't. "So they can call you up at any time?" Abby asks. "They can, [but] I don't think they will -- not yet," he answers. Susan and Abby combine to query whether he's nervous about the prospect of serving during this time of international unrest. "I wish they'd give me a gun," Gallant says fervently. "Put me someplace where I can use it. I'm ready to go if my country needs me, yes, Ma'am." What a misguided patriot, and a gross oversimplification of what it means to be in the military. Luka briefly looks up from his paper to consider Gallant's naïveté, then returns to his little world. But Abby catches that and volunteers that Luka once served in the military. Gallant, impressed, leans forward excitedly. "All Croatian men are required to serve in the military," Luka explains quietly. Gallant looks as if he feels the United States should handle things the same way. Abby and Gallant trade stories about siblings in the military -- she's got one in the Air Force, and he's got three in various branches, with one fourteen-year-old who's too young to decide. He's got five siblings in all. "Sounds like a family business," Carter snarks, looking none too enchanted by it. Gallant proudly cites his father's twenty-six-year career as a non-commissioned officer. Carter's eager to pick people apart today, so he suspiciously asks what Gallant's fifth sibling does. "My twin sister [is] the black sheep of the family," Gallant smiles. "She teaches Head Start in D.C." Abby jokes about how disgraceful that is. "We try to hide her when company comes around," Gallant fires back with a grin. Carter rudely wonders how she skirted the Gallant family's military service prerequisite. "She has cerebral palsy," Gallant says calmly. Abby smirks at Carter, whose foot is so far into his mouth that his big toe is plugging his sphincter.

This episode is so aimed at trivia buffs. Next we get a segment about what people's fathers do. Susan acerbically announces that Pa Lewis is "a test pilot for Barcalounger [who] sits on his ass all day in front of the TV trying to get his cholesterol level over 400." Everyone laughs, including Carter, which is a nice change from the lemon-sucking sourpuss he's been so far. Luka's father is a train conductor in Zagreb by day, and an abstract painter at heart. Abby, moved, admits that she didn't know that. Luka shoots her an adorably mischievous look. "You never asked," he grins, folding another airplane with the glee of a six-year-old. Abby nonchalantly says she has no idea what her father is doing, and before Carter can volunteer any information, Susan snarks that John "Stephen Keaton" Carter blows through the family trust fund for a living. Amused in spite of himself, Carter good-naturely corrects that Stephen manages investment funds and sits on some corporate boards. "Carter's loaded," Susan says inelegantly, leafing boredly through magazines with her back to the conversation.

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