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Episode Report Card
Heathen: B- | 479 USERS: B-
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Secrets And Lies

At reception, Yosh and Chuny gossip with Dr. Jing-Mei "Deb" Chen about the demise of Mark and Elizabeth's marriage. They pretend to be very sad and surprised, except Yosh, who claims to have known all along that the duo was mismatched. Because he has eyes. "She's too much woman for him," an eavesdropping Malik offers. No kidding. A piece of paper is too much woman for him. Frank boots them all from the front desk because he's really a very busy man and doesn't have time for plot exposition, so Chen and Chuny walk away lamenting the sad turn of events. Again, Yosh disagrees. "I'm stunned it lasted this long," he says. Sing it, Yoshie! You're not as dumb as you look. "Poor Mark," Chuny says, which makes me giggle because she slept with him once and she probably knows he's not good enough to get laid again anytime soon unless the woman's legally bound to do it.

Susan tracks down Weaver and follows her into the lounge, begging for lenience for her co-scampsters and claiming she instigated the entire incident in Trauma Green. "What about Abby?" Weaver demands, throwing open her locker as she faces Susan. LockerCam shows us the faint outline of the famed purple vibrator, pointed straight at Weaver, and we also see Susan's horrified expression. She covers by stammering that the whole thing was her fault, but the fire's gone out of her eyes because she knows everything will go to hell the minute Weaver gets a faceful of rubber dick. Weaver thanks Susan for her honesty, but points out that any of the so-called adults could've left the room. Susan sinks deeper and deeper inside herself, practically turning green because she knows what's about to happen. "Anything else?" Weaver asks. Susan shakes her head, wincing. Weaver whirls, gets a dick in the forehead, and squeals, "Ohh!" She stares down the dildo for a second, then slowly turns around to Susan, who is grimacing. Susan shrugs and shakes her head, speechless.

Abby strolls down what looks like a school hallway and finds her way to the room she needs. Opening the door, she furrows her brow a bit and enters. "I thought I was late," she says. The room is empty, save for Luka reading his paper, and Carter, Gallant, and Susan fiddling with various things that didn't once belong to a dominatrix. "You are late," Carter corrects. The classroom is large, paneled with dark wood, and has several tiers of seating. It's a small-to-moderate size. Susan boredly wonders how long this will last. "All day, I think," Luka offers absently. Abby figures they'll watch videos or some such high-school nonsense. "Role playing and long lectures," guesses Carter. "On acting out, inappropriate behavior...[Susan and Abby] should excel at that." Susan tells him to drop it, but he won't. "At least I'm not the one who put that thing in her locker," Susan says pointedly. "Right," Carter snorts. Abby denies it. Luka waves his finger in a "no, no, no," gesture, which just comes off looking flirty and naughty, that scamp. Rrrowr. Susan abruptly bursts into laughter. "You should've seen her face," she gasps. "God, I wish I had a camera!" Carter bitches that this isn't funny; Susan contends that it is. "No, it's not," he says coldly and firmly. When did Carter become a humorless prig? He is so The Jock right now. He's the guy who finds no humor in the fact that the standard wrestling uniform is basically tights. Susan swivels in her front-row seat and gapes at her crabby quasi-boyfriend. He stares at her. She turns back around and says to Abby, "This is going to be a very long day." We fade out on a long shot of everyone sitting in desks: Carter and Gallant in the back, Luka off to stage left and in the middle, and Abby and Susan front and center.

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