Secrets And Lies

Episode Report Card
Heathen: C+ | Grade It Now!
Secrets And Lies

Abby and Susan start gabbing about Fear Factor, which sends Carter sinking down in his seat, ashamed of himself for lusting after both of them -- and, it should be said, pretty much striking out. Carter unleashes a torrent of hot air that sounds like "Television is a vast wasteland," which actually might be this site's reason for being, but it still sounds annoying coming from someone with no demonstrable alternate hobbies. "Sorry, I meant to watch La Bohème on PBS last night, but I had to go to the symphony," Abby snits in an affected tone that's not far off from Eleanor Carter's Diction of Snobbery. Susan cracks up. Carter hops on his soapbox and lectures that the lines are blurring and we'll end up with televised executions and a Torture Channel next, although some might argue that MTV already fills that role. "What is your problem today?" Susan demands testily. "You know what my problem is," retorts Carter icily. Susan's floored that Carter can hold a grudge so long. Abby is dying for details. "You know what, John? Grow up," fumes Susan, crossing her arms and pouting mightily. Abby's about to burst, and Carter looks upset that his dirty laundry's getting dragged around, despite the fact that he handed Susan the basket.

Gritting her teeth, Susan confesses, "I spent the night at Mark's the night before last, and [Carter] won't let it go." She turns to Abby, who is highly intrigued. "I slept on the sofa. He thinks I slept with Mark!" Susan squeals. As a Mark detractor, I enjoy her tone of voice, which is one of "Ew, can you imagine?" But I still think it's poor storytelling, because she once wanted to sleep with Mark and it's revisionist for her to act so disgusted by it all of a sudden, even if she is completely over her crush of old. Carter begs her not to talk about this here, but Susan's on a roll, raging that, years ago, Mark had a crush on her, but now they're friends. Carter hops up and scurries to the front row, sitting to Abby's right so that she's smack in the middle of him and Susan. Do you get it? Carter smarms that it must've just been a harmless night in a recently single man's apartment, a man "who's still desperately in love with you." Abby appraises Carter curiously, cocking her head to check and see how green his eyes have become. Susan swears that Mark isn't in love with her, which is a valid claim considering he's married to someone else. Luka suddenly jerks up his head and asks, "Who's single?" He gets the bullet on Elizabeth and Mark, yet seems remarkably unconcerned except on a superficial level, because he was ignorant of all the drama. "Where was I?" he wonders. Ha ha, wacky scribes!

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