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The Librarian: Quest For The Spear

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The Dorky Decimal System

I wanted to recap this movie because I thought it actually was about librarians, and after years of making fun of my librarian mother for that scene in It's A Wonderful Life where, after seeing that without him in the world, Mary has become a mousy librarian old maid, George begs Clarence to let him live again, because it was okay when his brother was dead and his entire town had been taken over by Mr. Potter and turned into seedy strip joints and the pharmacist had accidentally killed that kid, but Mary's being a librarian was the one thing George just couldn't allow to happen. So I thought recapping a movie where librarians apparently go on cool quests and stuff would sort of make that up to her. Plus, she could do fact-checking about the movie librarians' shelving techniques. It was perfect.

We open on spooky, mood-setting music, which becomes a lot less spooky when accompanied by the title graphic: The Librarian: Quest for the Spear. It's even got a little spear on it, just in case you needed a visual in order to enjoy the movie fully. We fade up on a group of students wandering through a pyramid, taking notes. Female student expresses frustration at her inability to translate the hieroglyphs on the wall. Suddenly, Noah Wyle enters the room through a light-filled doorway, striking a pose with his lantern and safari jacket. He clears up the glyph confusion as the students hurriedly take notes and follow him through the pyramid. In the most self-important tone known to mankind, Noah Wyle tells us about the ancient Egyptians and their master pyramid craftsmanship, being sure to add that if any of the pyramid's support stones were even an inch out of place [pause for trumpets of suspense], the entire structure would collapse. THIS FACT JUST MIGHT BE IMPORTANT LATER.

Noah continues leading his pupils down a passageway. Employing his best Shatnerian delivery, he rhetorically asks how the Egyptians could have "unlocked the magic" of trigonometry and calculus. I don't know, but when I was in eleventh and twelfth grade, I remember very much wishing that they hadn't. Noah walks outside and squints in the sunlight. He takes out a handkerchief and soaks it in water, and then pats himself down with it before putting on his pith helmet. He then turns around and dramatically pronounces the pyramid the greatest of the "original seven wonders of the world." At this point, a guy in a janitor's uniform walks up and asks where the mochaccino spill is. Noah points to a spot. The janitor drags his mop cart over there as the camera pulls back to show Noah standing in front of a less-than-Great, both in size and computer graphic-rendering, Pyramid. And it's in the middle of a large room that is decidedly not Egypt. The Egypt Noah was standing in front of earlier was simply a backdrop. And it won't be the first time Noah stands in front of a backdrop in this movie.

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