ER
The Student

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The Student

At the hospital, while Luka sews up his lip, Pervy moans and groans about flagrant assault. "You molested me first!" Susan screeches. Well, verbally, maybe, but he didn't lay a hand on the Chuckus. "It was an innocent question!" he sputters. "It was NOT innocent," she insists. Pervy maintains that Chuck hit him for simply exercising Pervy's right to free speech, and that he was just being friendly. Susan and Luka leave in disgust. This scene was kind of annoying -- it already doesn't feel like an ER storyline. It's only worth anything for the following line from Luka: "Chuck should've punched him in his teeth -- that way, they can't talk." Irate, Susan tells Chuck that Pervy has called the cops, pulls on her Lecture Pants: Now In Maternity Sizes, and grabs him to give him a stern talking-to about why boys shouldn't punch. She's a right bitch today. I know Chuck should exercise some restraint, but Susan's a walking dark cloud.

Luka sees Sam talking on the phone, and a smile breaks out on his face. He walks up behind her, stands close, and whispers, "Morning." She smiles up at him but is distracted. It seems she's having trouble planning Alex's birthday, since his only friend is going to be away with his parents for the weekend. That's parent-speak for "Your son scares the pants off of us, and not in a sexy way that makes us want to create a little tyke of our own that's just like him." Luka ponders this and then says, "Get him a clown." Sam snickers. "What's wrong with a clown?" Luka asks, laughing. "Kids love clowns!" Kids do love clowns -- blind, deaf, mute, and invisible clowns, that is. And clowns that leave. Those are the best of all.

Carter tells Neela to push some meds on her knee patient and observe the wound under the Wood's lamp. You know, in case there's any of Pratt's semen on it. Neela says she'd guessed the dosage, but wanted Carter to confirm, because she's passive. You hear me? Passive! "Come find me -- don't just wait, okay?" Carter pleads. She politely says she didn't want to interrupt the meeting. And again I wonder, just who was running the ER while every single Attending was upstairs drinking coffee and playing God? Don't tell me they gave Malarkey the keys to the car. Driving while stoned is illegal. And driving while stupid is just wrong. Carter confesses they were all in the meeting to rank the fourth-year medical students. Suddenly, this feels like high school, and poor little freshman Neela is getting the wind taken out of her sails because she just found out the seniors are judging her. "Everyone agreed that you're really bright, and we really like working with you..." begins Carter. "Someone spoke poorly of me?" Neela all but whimpers. "No one in particular," Carter says. "Was it Dr. Chen? She's had it in for me..." Neela attempts, but Carter interrupts and orders her to be more proactive and decisive. "They feel I'm too passive?" Neela gropes. Carter stares at her, the very picture of a girl who's never failed at anything in her life and doesn't know how to digest it, and comes to a decision. "For the next four hours, you're a doctor," he says. "You'll carry a minimum of three patients at all times...Present only after you've put your own diagnostic into action." Wait, so that implies that there's a certain level of passivity that's inherent in being a med student -- she's not supposed to act without approval. What's the problem, then? Maybe Carter should be asking her where the residents were who could've given her some guidance. You know, if they'd been giving Neela some constructive feedback all along, there wouldn't be this frantic push from Carter to make her pass muster. This shouldn't be the first time Neela's heard things about her style, and there shouldn't be this kind of time pressure to correct her errors. Some teaching hospital. Unless you want a lesson in "How To Get Pregnant," "Bald Men And The Evils They Bring To Bear On Society," or "Taking Dicksmackitude To New Heights," in which case you've come to the right place. "Today you're a shark," Carter says, trying to pump Neela up into assertiveness. "Keep swimming, or you die." Idiotic, ill-thought-out words from a lousy teacher. Carter's so woefully misguided here. Weaver would throw a fit -- giving a med student the powers of a regular resident or intern just screams "lawsuit" almost as loudly as Kerry herself likes to screech it at her staff.

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