Truth & Consequences

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Truth & Consequences

Okay, Annabel Gurwitch? Shut up.

Oh, for the love of Pete. Carter comes back to the ER, and Dave continues his tact-free questioning about Kerry's leg; Carter joins the rest of North America in saying, "Go away, Dave," and walks off, and Lucy breezes by, but when Dave tries to ask her something, she snaps, "I'm not talkin' to you." Dave looks miffed as Jeanie answers a radio call for a multi-victim casualty incident; EMS asks how many County can take, and Kerry tells Jeanie they can take two major and eight minor traumas.

[Okay, sidebar before we cut to the next scene. I went to college with a kid named Jesse who, because the kid had a twee little goatee and a pretentious 'tude and wore a lot of turtlenecks, the Biscuit dubbed "Art Boy," and nine years later, we still yell, "Art! Booooy!" at the mention of his name, like when we read in the alumni magazine that one of his ex-girlfriends had gotten married, and I phoned up Ernie and said, "Check out page 23. Damn, I hated that girl," and Ernie said, "Word. Total beeotch. Hey, didn't she used to go out with," and we both howled, "Art! Booooy!" and cracked up, so henceforward, Lucy's patient is now "Art Boy" also. End sidebar.]

Lucy lectures Art Boy on the myriad side effects of eating paint. She fails to include "Technicolor speeyack" as one of the side effects, but nevertheless, Art Boy admits that she's made her point: "I won't eat any more paint." Lucy pulls up a stool and asks, "And what about the cocaine?" Art Boy makes a "busted" face as Lucy explains that his tox screen tested positive, and he says loftily that on occasion he has used "some mind-expanding chemicals to facilitate my creative process. I'm not the first artist to do so," and his smug tone of voice reminds me a great deal of the original Art Boy. Lucy wants to put Art Boy 2: On The Rocks into rehab, but Art Boy demurs, saying he's been under a lot of stress lately because his work "sucks." Lucy suggests that the sucky work stems from the cocaine use, rather than the other way around, and when Art Boy makes an "I already have a mother" face, Lucy says that he came in for medical help and should let her help him. Art Boy slumps back on his bed and asks if "these programs" would allow him to paint; Lucy says she thinks "arrangements could be made." Art Boy isn't sure, and can't promise anything, but he'll "check it out." Lucy says, "Great."

Cut to the hallway. Over the sound of approaching sirens, Kerry briefs Mark on the incoming trauma, the result of a high-school chem class explosion. The first patient to arrive: the science teacher, who the paramedic says is "the worst" of the criticals. Mark says the teachers lungs "are wet," and Hawkeye says they'll have to tube him. I took another look at the teacher, who Coco insisted is George "Norm" Wendt, but it looks more like Wayne "Newman" Knight to me. Kerry and Mark wheel the teacher into a trauma room, and Kerry asks Hawkeye to keep an eye on the residents. A seventeen-year-old with head trauma comes in. The paramedics brief Hawkeye, who orders Carter to run certain tests. Hawkeye grabs Dave and they take a look at a girl with burns to the hands and face who also "sounds wheezy," according to Carol, and then another girl comes in the ambulance-bay doors with "penetrating abdominal injury," and then Cleo "Extra With A Speaking Part" Finch asks Hawkeye's advice on a laceration and he instructs her. I don't want to catalog every single trauma, so suffice it to say that the ER has become chaotic very quickly and residents come at Hawkeye with questions from all sides, and he has a little trouble remembering who has what patient, but he keeps it under control at first.

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