Try Carter

Episode Report Card
Heathen: C- | Grade It Now!
Try Carter

Alex's kiddie soccer game is in full swing, and parents are clapping. Alex dribbles toward the goal. "Shoot," Luka shouts lamely. Alex does, sending it very slowly right into the arms of the opposing goalkeeper. Game over, apparently; Team Alex loses. Alex walks away, irritated by the celebrating of the other team. As they leave the field, Luka tries to be all sympathetic and complimentary, but Alex just shrugs that his entire team blows. "Just try your best," Luka says. "Want to grab a pizza?" Alex does. Luka then offers to kick around the ball sometime, since he used to play a little. In addition to doing Hamlet? That Luka is a Renaissance man. "Look, Luka," Alex says. "I'm glad we're friends, but I've got a dad, and he's coming back." Luka doesn't seem that hurt by this announcement. I think it mostly reflects their buddy-buddy rapport, and honestly, I think that frankness is only in the show so that they can have a scene way down the line where Alex does need a father, because his is still missing in action, and he goes to Luka and it's all "sweet" and stuff.

Abby runs off in search of Howard, straight past an admiring and drooling Urbanus. "Need something?" Carter asks wryly. "Think you could get me her number?" Urbanus beams dreamily. He needs to get out more.

Abby finds Howard sitting alone outside and tries to get him to talk about what's happening. "Olfactory overload," he fibs. Abby shakes her head and asks point-blank if he's got obsessive-compulsive disorder. Howard gets up and leaves. There's been a lot of flat-out leaving in this episode. There must have been a fire sale on "______ gets up without a word and walks away" devices.

A gazillion people chase after Carter for information or a favor, so he takes refuge in the staff lounge. And there, he comes across one of the more disturbing sights in the world: Chuck with his shirt hiked up, a baby clutched to the spot where his nipple will be. It's unspeakably odd and unpleasant. Carter is like, "WHAT in the name of genetic impossibilites is going on here?" Chuck smirks, "What, you've never seen a father breast-feed his kid before?" He shows Carter a strange device that I won't even begin to understand, which apparently helps simulate the experience to faciliate father-child bonding -- "If you can get past the sore nipples," Chuck explains. EW. And then, worst of all, Chuck actually asks Carter if he wants to TRY it. WHY would he want to breast-feed someone else's child? I am thoroughly squicked. And at least one of my breasts wants very badly to shrivel up and hide. Carter quells what is probably a grief and nausea cocktail, and decides that the mayhem outside the lounge has to be better than the madness inside it, so he surges back outside.

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