Walk Like A Man

Episode Report Card
Heathen: C+ | Grade It Now!
Walk Like A Man

It burns when Marlene pees. She's bummed about it, understandably, because no one wants to shoot flames out her urinary tract. Except possibly circus freaks, and maybe someone like Pamela Anderson. Abby points out that Marlene's got a low-grade fever as well, so the poor kid is just burning all over. And, aw, she's here with her mother on a bonding trip to see the Shedd Aquarium and other such colorful sights of Chicago. Luka asks Marlene if she's had many UTIs before. "Yeah, a bunch," she shrugs. "Usually clears up with a bunch of antibiotics." Marlene's mother -- a hot blonde in classy black duds -- twirls her daughter's hair and sighs that she got Bactrim from Marlene's regular doctor, but that she left it at home in Milwaukee. Luka smiles at the mother and inches forward, asking Abby to dip a urine. The promise of imminent dipping is evidently enough to turn Ho Mommy's crank. She twinkles at Luka. "What kind of accent is that?" she wonders. "What accent?" Luka plays dumb. "Come on, where are you from?" giggles Ho Mommy. "Don't think you've heard of it," Luka muses. "A place called Idaho." Ho Mommy laughs too hard. Marlene looks like she wants to shoot the fire in her urinary tract straight at her slut mother. "You like potatoes?" Luka flirts. "Who doesn't?" Ho Mommy leers. Marlene rolls her eyes and looks uncomfortable with all these ridiculous come-ons, begging her mother to please get her some food, since she's in the hospital and everything. Ho Mommy promises to go to the cafeteria, ogling Luka seductively the whole time. Luka silently thanks the Bishop for sending him cheap sex.

Chuny approaches Abby in the hallway and hands her some official-looking paperwork. "Why are you giving me this?" Abby says, blinking at it blankly. Chuny announces that she wants next Friday off. "And I'd like a month in the Bahamas," Abby says, still clueless. "I'll settle for a long weekend at my cousin's," Chuny replies. Abby manages to brush all this off, despite its obvious oddness, and asks Jerry for Marlene's labs. Jerry doesn't have them. Does Jerry ever have them? What Jerry does have, however, is some origami. "It's a swan," he says proudly. "No, it's not," Abby insists rudely. "I think it is," Jerry counters, wounded. "You should hang it on the refrigerator next to your report card," sasses Abby, leaving. She bumps right into Marlene, who's acquired a wheelchair and is tooling around the hospital. I did that once at a nursing home at which I worked in grade eleven. I ended up running into a wall and bruising my foot. A drooling old guy totally pushed me. Don't ask. "We are waiting for your labs," Abby informs her. Marlene smiles beatifically and says she was just getting bored in her room. "Too many sick people," she says. "Where's your mom?" Abby asks curiously. Marlene says she's still in the cafeteria getting food. Uh huh. Sadly, Marlene sighs that they were supposed to do so much cool stuff in Chicago, and yet there they are at the hospital, and as kick-ass as a urine dip is, it's just not the same as the Shedd Aquarium. A lightbulb turns on over Abby's head. She should turn it off; it makes her highlights look green. At any rate, she's inspired, and she wheels Marlene off to the hospital fish tank.

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