Eric’s POV

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Eric's POV

A Britney type leans vixen-like against a wall and insists that flashing her tits isn't a classy thing to do. She's one of the girls on Girls Gone Wild, and my instincts tell me she's about to go wild. "It's classy!" shouts Heath. "Believe in yourself!" Shaggy screams. Ron's just getting impatient. He wants nipple. "She's been walking around like that for half an hour!" he moans. "She's got her bead! Why won't she show them?!?" Steven says she looks like Helen Hunt, which, in my opinion, is ample reason to crawl into a hole and never show anyone anything. Rachel scampers in uncomfortably and tries to pry Steven away. In the distance, we hear Lizzie wailing. Steven resists until Lizzie screams, "Oh my GOD!" He asks Shaggy to pause it and trots off to his girlfriend. Shaggy waits about two seconds before pressing play again. "Here it is," Heath says through a mouthful of food. He hasn't said anything without crap in his mouth. I wonder if Charlie Hunnam had speech-crippling oral surgery. On the tape, Britney shoots and scores. The guys roar with delight. "See? She built up suspense," Ron notes. "It was better that she did that."

Steven walks into the room and right into Lizzie, whose hair is finished and streaked, in odd places, with an orange-brown color. She looks a little like she belongs in Jem and the Holograms. "Cool," lies Steven. "I like the stripes." Lizzie brats that it's horrible, and that Larice ruined her hair, and waaah, that's what you get for thinking "Nice-n-Easy" is a title that represents truth in advertising. Come to think of it, this is all Julia Louis-Dreyfus's fault for making the world believe you can dye your hair on a bus. I never did trust her. Rachel chokes that it might look better once it's dry. "It couldn't be any dryer!" shrieks Lizzie, stomping away. In the other room, the guys start chanting, "Steven! Steven! Steven!" For his part, Steven looks sick that he's missing the antics of naughty college good-girls who get hold of cameras and go horribly awry. He tries to excuse himself, but Rachel insists that he go attend to Lizzie. Steven wants to fall through the floor.

Eric clears his throat and positions himself in his best ladykilling lean, while adjusting his Grandpa sweater and patting the pocket to make sure there's plenty of Werther's Originals in there, because that's where all good memories start. A large blonde in pleather pants sashays inside and licks Greg. Two brunettes follow. "Are you Eric?" one girl asks hungrily. "Only if you're Alice," he grins. She sticks out her tongue and shows off the shiny silver stud implanted there. The third girl sizes up Eugene and flees with a sudden sore throat. "Where's mine going?" Eugene whines.

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