Undeclared
Eric’s POV

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Eric's POV

A woman in lacy underwear prepares to tear them off. The guys cheer, but Ron is mildly disturbed. "She should give us beads," he snipes. Shaggy and Heath celebrate. Cut to Hal holding a bag of Frito-Lay's chips and gawking in delight and disgust. I love that Hal has suddenly appeared. It's oddly perfect.

Lizzie's back in the stylist's chair, this time with Rachel and Larice working on her tresses. I'm not sure at what point she was reluctant to throw on a hat and find a stylist off-campus -- she is apparently both dim and lazy. Steven blathers, "Rach will fix it before you can say 'bad hair day'!" He then tries to sidle back across the hall, but Lizzie wheedles that she desperately needs reassurance. "I'm scared," she whimpers. Steven can't handle all this and plops back down in his chair, dreaming of the debauchery that's so near, but so far. "Steven, I've discovered your new mother!" Hal shouts. "Yeah, and she's young and drunk," Ron adds. Steven pretends not to hear this. Rachel massages Lizzie's scalp and comes up with a handful of bleached-blonde hair. Terrified, she tosses it in the sink, as Larice's and Steven's eyes bug out.

Back in happier days, when Lizzie's hair was one color and affixed semi-permanently to her head, she let Eric use her as a model for Kopy Town. So her old yearbook photo is hanging on the wall at the shop in all kinds of shapes and sizes, and with different effects, which advertise the Kopy Town treatment. She is wearing a really innocent-looking floral dress. "So is that the whore?" Alice asks, nodding at Lizzie. Janice hisses at her, but Eric's okay with that designation. "That's the whore," he says. Alice decides to lick her teeth and play with her tongue stud. Eric notices it and reddens. "You likey?" she asks. "I do, I likey," he blushes. "It does the trick," Alice sasses. Everyone but Eugene cracks up. He stares at everyone, confused, then bursts out with a bleat of laughter to cover his ignorance. He's the very image of befuddlement. Alice makes up a bogus line about wanting to see the paper dungeon so that she can screw Eric in private. She doesn't waste time. She likes to do her whoring quickly and without foreplay.

So, sitting on a bunch of crates of paper, Alice suckles Eric's cheek and tries to mount him while probing him with her studded tongue. He kisses back for a while, and then pulls away, choking, which has to feel really good if you're Alice and you're practically a professional trick-turner. I almost killed a high-school boyfriend once simply by kissing him. I'd been eating potato chips that were cooked in peanut oil, and he came over an hour later and we made out for a while, and when he left, he started feeling woozy and had to go to the hospital. Turns out I'd forgotten he's allergic to nuts, and so kissing me gave him an allergic reaction and he'd left his injection kit at home. Oops. Eric, apparently, has swallowed Alice's tongue stud. "No problem," she says calmly. "Janice's brother swallowed it, too. When it comes out the other end, give it to Janice, and she'll pass it along." Alice moves in for more, but Eric's completely sickened by the fact that she pierced her tongue (and then used it to stroke his) with something that was once excrement. "That was in another guy's ass?" he gapes. "What? I cleaned it," she says defensively. But their moment of passion is no more. Eric's as limp as an episode of That '80s Show. He takes her hand and softly says, "I think you're such a special girl, and I'm sorry if I did anything to hurt you." It's obvious here that the actress, Kim Field, is biting her cheeks to keep from laughing. She struggles to get out her line -- "This is so lame" -- and leaves quickly so that we don't notice she's in stitches.

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Undeclared

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