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Field of Screams

Lexi is gone! Lexi is gone! Lexi is GONE!!! We can get some Carter-Zoe time again because Lexi is gone! A tired Zoe drives Carter, who lectures her about staying up too late. She says she didn't stay late - she was having an anxiety dream. Carter can't relate, as his dreams usually consist of baseball, global catastrophe courtesy of GD, and sometimes cake. Didn't he also have a dream where he went to work naked in another season? Zoe enjoys taking her hand off the wheel when she realizes how nervous it makes her father, and even takes both hands off the wheel and puts them over her eyes. He freaks out, but she tells him that the car is self-driving today, which he'd know if he read the town-wide emails about the new "smart asphalt" program. Zoe thinks this is great, showing that whoever wrote her dialogue this week hasn't been a teenager in a tragically long time. Zoe's car self-parks in front of Carter's office. She drops him off and sets off for school, where she hasn't been like all season. Good to see that Vince finally released her from her indentured servitude at Café Diem. Jo is outside waiting for Carter, who says automatic driving seems like a bad idea to him. Jo says a robot driver is better than a teenage driver. She's right, too. Why is Carter being such a weirdo about this? At the very least, self-driving cars mean that Tess won't be able to veer off to the side of the road and park next to a dimension whenever she feels the urge to pee.

With that, Jo shows off her new police car. We're supposed to think it's awesome because it's made by the car company who sponsors the show this season. I guess that's better than deodorant, but not by much. Not by much at all. Jo claims her new car is high-performance and perfect even though -- let's face it -- it's a freaking station wagon. Carter asks where his new car is, and it turns out that he won't be getting one due to his history of destroying a car almost every week. Jo says she put in a lot of work and time requesting this car, which Carter would know if he read the emails she sent him during the process. You know, if Jo claimed she was the daughter of an assassinated Nigerian diplomat who needed Carter's help in smuggling her secret fortune to the United States, I'll bet he would have read them then. Fargo pulls up in his beater to tell Jo how great her new car is. His car also compliments it, being sure to mention Jo's car's make and model. Fargo then has trouble starting his car up again, as it's just not reliable like Jo's. He finally gets it going, and Jo offers to take Carter out in her new wheels. "She drives like a rocket," Jo claims. Speaking of rockets, a real one flies overhead. No one thinks much of it until it explodes in mid-air.

A guy who looks and dresses more like a fifteen-year-old emo kid than a prominent and established scientist is being lectured in Allison's office by Tess, who apparently thinks she has some kind of authority here now. She doesn't -- Allison says she gave the guy permission to conduct any necessary tests for his project, including surprise missile explosions. Carter enters and is introduced to the man, Dr. Weinman, who is working on planetary defense. "Nice hoodie," Carter says. "Jealous?" sniffs Weinman. No, but I think there's one thing we can all agree we can be jealous of: Jo's station wagon. Allison says that Weinman's test went wrong, so he followed proper safety protocols (a GD scientist following proper safety protocols, even at the expense of his project? NONSENSE!) and blew it up. Tess whines and tattles on Weinman for using a missile he wasn't authorized for, and Allison says once again that Weinman is authorized to use anything at GD for his project. Carter doesn't think he should be allowed to put Eureka at risk, as if Weinman is the first GD scientist to do this. He isn't even the first GD scientist to do that this episode. Tess thinks Allison is letting Weinman "run wild." Allison says it's necessary. Tess didn't seem to mind being allowed to run wild when she was the one doing it.

Allison dismisses Weinman, and Carter asks why she's stepping up the planetary defense. He doesn't need to read his emails to know it has something to do with The Signal. Tess says it's going to be there in just 138 hours, which is much sooner than I thought. Carter volunteers to put out traffic cones or whatever Allison might need, and Tess thinks that's actually a good idea. She wants the town to be ready to receive the signaler peacefully and resents Allison for following Gen. Mansfield's orders to be prepared for war. I side with Allison, though, because I saw Mars Attacks.

Jo is on the phone with a citizen whose doorbell has been stolen. "Why would someone steal your doorbell?" she asks. I know a reason. My next-door neighbor has a doorbell for deaf people that emits a blast of sound that could wake the dead. So it certainly wakes me up when she has visitors at 7 in the fucking morning. On Saturdays. It doesn't always wake her up, though, so the visitors often ring it again and again. I fantasize about stealing that doorbell and burning it. Jo hands Carter a list of calls he missed while he was at GD. Apparently, Ranger Tom called six times to report "something weird." What's weird is that I have no idea who Ranger Tom even is. Whatever happened to Taggart? Jo says that people have been calling to report missing things all day, including a weather vane, Christmas lights, and a parking meter. Who's the idiot who calls to report a missing meter? Just count your blessings that you don't have to pay and keep walking. Actually, why does Eureka have parking meters at all if no one ever uses money? One thing that's missing that hasn't been reported is Carter's desk chair, as he discovers when he tries to sit down and finds empty space where it used to be.

Carter goes out to talk to Ranger Tom, who recommends that Carter replace his desk chair with a yoga ball. "Your back will totally say thank you," he says. Yeah, maybe. But first it'll say "fuck you where is my seat with a back on it to rest against COME ON!" With that, Ranger Tom shows Carter what is so weird: a bunch of small buildings that appeared in a clearing overnight. They're made out of all the junk that went missing in town.

After the break, Tess and Zane have arrived to investigate the scene. Zane identifies the buildings as "the base structure of a toroidal vacuum chamber." Tess guesses it's an outline for a magnetic mirror field. Carter doesn't know what either of those things are, and goes for a third suggestion: a pile of crap. Tess says it's a pile of crap someone is turning into a plasma generator. Oh really? Because I see muffin pans back there, and there's no way muffin pans have anything to do with plasma generators. Tess clarifies for Carter that a plasma generator would create short and intense bursts of energy. Zane wonders what someone is trying to power with it. How about an Easy Bake Oven? That would explain the muffin pans. I really hope it's an electric razor, though, so that Zane can shave his little boy half-a-beard off. Zane goes off to run some tests, leaving Carter and Tess alone. Carter asks her who has the ability to make a plasma generator out of stolen household items. How would she know? Allison knows the GD staff better than Tess does.

Fargo goes to Henry's garage to get the one thing for which the place is actually supposed to exist: car repair! Henry checks Tabitha out and says it looks like a problem in the engine block, but he's too busy doing non-car-repair things to fix it in a timely fashion. Fargo is fed up -- not with Henry's crappy service, but with Tabitha's constant problems that we're only just hearing about now. Also, you'll notice Tabitha is a Chrysler, like, way to help take down the struggling American auto industry just to prop up your Japanese product placement.

Sure enough, the next time we see Fargo, he's pulling up alongside Jo's new car in one of his own. She is pissed, saying it took her six weeks to get what Fargo got in six minutes thanks to p

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