Ship Happens

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B+ | Grade It Now!
The Kimmening

The GD crew is out and about examining the newly-arrived spaceship. Henry is too busy smiling proudly and/or smugly to help out. Zane doesn't share Henry's good mood, accusing him of knowing all along that half the town (including Zane himself) were being forced to build the landing site for his ship. Henry denies this, saying that he had no idea the ship still existed, let alone that it could find its way back. "Who built this thing?" Carter asks, even though it's kind of clear that everyone knows the answer to this already. "I did. Twenty years ago," Henry says. Allison and Tess immediately know he's talking about "The Columbus," an unmanned prototype from GD's crazy 80s interstellar exploration days. But it was lost three years after its launch and everyone decided to just give up on it and the project, "repurposing" the facility and going in a different direction. That makes sense when you remember that as large as GD claims to be, there really only are like three lab room sets, so they need all the space they can get. Zane doesn't like it at all, but that's because, again, it turned him into a zombie. Carter asks if he should be concerned that the ship will continue to do stuff like that now that it's landed, and Henry says he doesn't think so. He also didn't think the ship would come back at all, so he kind of doesn't know much right now, does he? He says The Signal the ship sent out on its way back to Earth was supposed to be picked up by GD mission control, but since GD mission control was long gone, it simply found a way to make its own landing site. Meanwhile, should we really be launching things into space that require a freaking boson cloud exciter to land on Earth without creating a mile-deep crater? But Allison's only concern is that the ship had the gall to send them a signal that was all alien-looking and stuff. Such a tease, that ship is! Henry says that might have been the only signal the ship could send back after buffeting around the depths of space for twenty years and damaging its antenna array. Now that it's landed, Henry says, its computers have powered down and it doesn't have a mission it needs to send brain orders out to complete, so everyone should be fine. Zane still holds a grudge.

Allison pulls Henry aside with "let's check these figures," which is Carter's cue to no longer be interested in this. He talks to Tess instead, asking if she's disappointed that aliens haven't landed after all. She says the fact that the ship has information about twenty years of deep space exploration makes for a nice consolation prize. But since we now know for sure aliens aren't attacking, does she need to be around to examine it? Wasn't she only called here because of her SETI qualifications? "It's a long-term project, though. I mean, it's gonna take years to analyze all that data. Kind of blows a hole in my weekend plans," she says. Yeah, mine too. No point holding a "Tess is gone!" party now, is there? Tess says she actually did have weekend plans, albeit nerdy ones: a meteor shower. Carter says he's never seen a meteor shower, and invites her to see it with him. Nooooooo! Didn't she just say she was busy? She accepts. Noooooo! x2. Aren't there any single women in town who don't insult Carter's intelligence at every turn he can ask instead? But I do like how they're going to "go" to the meteor shower, as if it only takes place in one location and not all over the nighttime sky. Tess walks off, and Carter smiles. Nooooo! x3.

Well, it's not like Carter could have asked Allison out, since she's still talking about Stark and how excited he would have been to see the ship return since he never gave up hope that it would come back. That's why we must never give up hope that Stark will come back. Henry has something in common with Allison in regards to the ship: his dead old flame also worked on it. In fact, he met Kim while working on the project. Maybe, if the project was in the planning stages for many years before the eventual launch, as we know they met more than twenty years ago because it was clearly stated in Kim's first appearance on the show back in Season 1. Also, will no one mention Kim's crappy husband who stole all of her memories while working alongside with Kim and Henry at that time? Wasn't that kind of a significant part of their past? What's the point in giving this show a backstory if they can't even keep it consistent after less than thirty episodes?

Carter's smile disappears as he hears a humming sound. He calls out for Henry, saying the ship is powering back up. Henry says that can't be -- the ship turned itself off. Tess appears and says it turned itself back on again, and now it wants to open the door. Allison calls for GD security. Yes, quickly! Get a bunch of people here who can't/won't do anything useful! Remember when Tess was all anti-weapons last week? Well, now that the ship isn't alien, she couldn't care less if any possible occupants are blown away before they can say "hello" or "gorblesnax." A pod lowers to the ground with a figure inside. As the smoke clears, it collapses. Henry decides to get a closer look. It's a human covered in goo. She looks familiar. "It's Kim," Henry says, not really sounding or looking all that surprised. But I am! I did not expect to see her ever again, both because she got blasted into a wall last time we saw her and was a part of Season 1, which the show seems to have forgotten existed. Does this mean Spencer could return? Or Taggart? Or those weird twin guys? Or Beverly Barlowe? Or Andrew Crosby? These would all be welcome comebacks! Except for Spencer. I mean, come on.

The ship has been moved to a hangar in GD, and Kim is being checked out by a contamination suit-wearing doctor while, outside the quarantine bay, Allison says that aside from some dehydration, Kim appears to be in good health. Tess doesn't understand -- wasn't this an unmanned mission? Yeah, um, Tess? The main concern right now isn't so much that Kim managed to sneak on board a spaceship and somehow survive on it for twenty years (albeit being a bit thirsty towards the end there), but rather that Kim is DEAD, and very much so. Remember how her skeleton was all fused into the wall like that? Allison says it isn't the same Kim, since her cellular structure isn't human although Tess says her DNA somehow matches Kim's. Wait, so she looks just like Kim and has her DNA but her cellular structure isn't human? Doesn't DNA kind of dictate things like cell structure? How does that even work? Tess decides to place the blame on twenty years of flying through deep space and primordial particle radiation. What an insult to poor dead Kim to say that it just takes twenty years of primordial particle radiation to make her. That'd be like if a monkey sat in front of a typewriter and banged out "Romeo and Juliet" on his first try. Everyone would laugh so hard at Shakespeare then.

Someone decided that sticking an "organic computer" on the ship was a good idea. Allison explains that, like a human brain, it processes information through living cells rather than circuits and wires. This sounds like a terrible invention. Computers do that stuff so much faster. Circuits and wires FTW! But I guess this allows the computer to modify its structure and adapt to solve any problem. Except, apparently, for how not to break, as Zane walks in and says that he tried to access the ship's computer using his own personal organic computer (showoff), and it's effectively dead. Or is it? Kim finally speaks up and says that she's what's left of the organic computer.

In the smart people's zeal to explain things to Carter, they confused him even more by saying that Kim is like the organic computer's child. And yet, Zane is still walking with them instead of racing back to his organic computer and giving it some organic computer birth control. As for Tess, she likes calling the fake Kim "Kim 2.0," which I'm glad Henry wasn't around to hear. Show some respect, Tess. Allison wants to study Kim in Tess's "bio-lab," which she originally set up in preparation for having lots of

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