Best Laid Plans

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Best Laid Plans

When we come back, it's Ephram's turn for the talk. Treat tells him that he shouldn't have sex with Amy. Ephram asks his dad if he's forbidding it. Treat says he obviously can't control the situation, but he'd appreciate it if Ephram would hear him out. Ephram will. Treat says he knows they're in love, and that makes him and Amy want to push the relationship forward, but he needs to think about how it was for him with Madison last year. Ephram: "How did you know I had sex with Madison?" Uh-oh. Treat stick foot in mouth over over over again. He covers very well, though, saying that at some point the relationship changed -- more importantly, Ephram changed -- and Treat saw it happen, and he just wants his son to think about how it's going to be for Amy. Ephram says he understands that, but he's in for the long haul. Treat says that's exactly why they should wait, because they can afford to take their time. He asks how the relationship is going. Ephram says it's better than it's ever been. Treat: "Well, sex changes that. Forever. You two have worked so hard for so long to be together. To be happy. You willing to risk that?" Ooh, good one. Ephram: "Not when you put it like that." Treat asks Ephram to just take his time, and enjoy getting to the sex part, because it's worth it. Ephram tells Treat that he's impressed, and it was definitely one of Treat's better speeches. He says it hasn't come up yet, but when it does, he'll be sure to think about what his dad said. Treat leans back, pleased with his own awesomeness.

Cue the classical music and a table beautifully set with desserts and tiny finger sandwiches. A hand picks up a plate. We pull back, and it's Patch offering the plate to Amy. "Crudité?" he asks. Sweet Jesus, I think I rewound this part about a hundred times. It's perfect. PERFECT. Amy is like, "The hell?" Patch wonders why he can't just have high tea with his daughter, just like old times, and recommends that she try the spread, as it's wonderful. Amy tells her dad the last time they had tea, she was four. Patch is all, "Yes. Yes! And remember how we used to make those cakes in your Easy-Bake oven? They were delicious, weren't they? But NOT if you took them out too early. Then the cakes were not ready. They weren't ready. Because, honey, it wasn't time yet. Not. Time." Amy looks at her dad like he's just grown a second head. Patch, exasperated, says, "I'm talking about sex, Amy. I know you and Ephram have discussed it." Amy says they haven't. Patch says they have. Amy says they really haven't. Patch: "Oh, come now." It's like a Monty Python sketch. It's brilliant. Amy insists that she and Ephram really, really haven't talked about having sex, and asks if Rose is home yet. Hee. Patch is like, "We don't need your mother. Now have a scone." He goes on to say that with all the hormones coursing through their bodies, he can't see why they wouldn't be thinking about sex. Amy says it's not that she's not thinking about it, they just haven't talked about it. Patch awkwardly asks Amy if she's still on the Pill. Amy says she is, but only because Rinda said it wasn't good to go on and off it, so she just kept taking it. She thinks a minute, then says, "Unless...subconsciously...I stayed on for Ephram and I?" Patch nods knowingly. "You probably did. Because you wanted your first time to be with someone you're in love with, that you felt comfortable with." Amy says that's true. Patch assures Amy that he actually does understand these things. Amy tells her dad that he's right -- maybe she's avoided talking to Ephram about it because..."I'm scared of my sexuality! Dad, you're probably dead on, I'm probably a lot closer to this than I thought! Maybe it is time I start talking to Ephram about this stuff." Ha! Patch can't believe how his plan has gone awry. He's like, "No, wait. NO. I mean..." Amy tells Patch that he really clarified a lot of stuff for her. "And you were right, we really didn't need Mom for this!" She kisses him and leaves the room. Scone?

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