Everwood, Confidential

Episode Report Card
AB Chao: C | Grade It Now!
"If It Weren't For You Meddling Kids!"

Thanks to Sars, I can actually recap the episode now. I hate TiVo when it records the Style Channel instead of my show. And here's something you might not know: Sars has five episodes of Beverly Hills, 90210 on her TiVo playlist right now, all set to "Save Until I Delete." And you thought she didn't have taste! ["Er…seven." -- Sars]

We open on shots of a house we've never seen. As the camera guides us through the rooms of the house, Irv tells us that it used to belong to a family who sold it so it could be turned into a retirement home. We come upon a room full of old people, who look to be waiting for something. They're sitting in chairs lined up against the wall, and Irv lets us know that nobody ever visits the people in the retirement home. He says that whether it's "spirits of the past or premonitions of their own future...something keeps them away." Perhaps it's the taste of the strained carrots or the smell of incontinence. I'm going straight to hell.

The camera stops on the "scary" image of someone's shadow, holding up a hypodermic needle. As Irv says that sometimes a little light shines in that dark, empty place, Treat steps into the frame with his giant needle, and tells one of the old guys that it's his turn. Oh, how mysterious! How duplicitous! What looked like something sinister is actually Treat, administering flu shots! Ho HO! Not. As Edna preps the patient for his shot, he tells Treat that he needs a refill on his Viagra. Treat asks, "How's that workin' for you? Any side effects?" The patient replies, "Happiness." Hee. Treat tells "Charlie" that he thinks holding off for a while is a good idea. Charlie claims that he can't deny the ladies. Ew. Edna ushers Charlie out, and introduces the next patient to Treat as "The Honorable Judge Marvin Harris." Judge Marvin, who looks to be a little kookoopants, starts singing a song to himself. Treat asks him if he likes Billie Holiday, so I guess that's what he's singing. Judge Marvin says that he and his wife dance to that song every Saturday at the USO. Yep, kookoopants. Or a MEOW called Alzheimer's. Judge Marvin tells Treat that he's been married since '52, so seven years, and that he just started practicing law, but isn't a judge yet. Edna shoots Treat an "uh-oh" look. Treat's happy grin fades as he realizes what's going on. I can't believe it took him that long, personally. We all knew it the second old Marv walked in the door.

Treat tells Marvin to roll up his sleeves, as Edna walks over toTreat to exposit that he doesn't have Alzheimer's, but "standard senile dementia." She says it's gotten a lot worse since his wife died, and that Marvin was "Hal Senior's" best friend, and Patch Abbott's godfather. She says that it's heartbreaking to see him like this. Yes, I'm sure it is, but since I'm already going to hell, I'll tell you that insane elderly patients are some of my favorite stock characters. How much you want to bet that old Marv will provide us with some kookoo comic relief this episode? Treat tells Marvin that his shot won't hurt a bit. Marv suddenly grabs Treat's hand and says, "It does hurt. It hurts SO MUCH." Wha? Marvin looks scary when he's being senile. He tells Treat, "I killed him. There was blood everywhere. Dead and buried. So no one will ever find him." Treat looks scared, too.

All of a sudden, sirens blare in the background. Cut to the police leading Marvin out as Edna tells Treat, "NOW look what you've done." Treat says he called for backup, not a SWAT team. The police chief tells Treat, "Between busting Irma's dope supply and this, I might have to deputize you, Doc." Heh. He tells Treat that he just caught "Everwood's Public Enemy Number One." Fight the power! Fight the power, Treat! Police Chief says that they've been trying to crack the "Horace Hempleman" case for over thirty years. Edna tells him to shut up. Treat wants to know who this Horace is, and we find out that he was a handsome drifter who stopped in Everwood for a while. All the ladies loved him, all the men were jealous, he was very charming, blah blah. One day he just disappeared, and left nothing behind but an old shoe, stabbed through which was a knife and a note that read, "Dead and Buried." Uh huh. Edna rolls her eyes and tells Treat, "I told you we shouldn'ta said anything, BIG MOUTH." She walks out in a huff. Police Chief tells Treat, "Because of your tip, Everwood can sleep safe and sound for the first time in thirty years." Wacky Music of Mystery plays, and we go to the credits. I fix my first drink, because I have a feeling that this is going to WEAR ME OUT.

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