Everwood, Confidential

Episode Report Card
AB Chao: C | Grade It Now!
"If It Weren't For You Meddling Kids!"

Brown House of Piano Virtuosity. Matthew Lansing is telling Ephram to play a new song by Beethoven. He tells Ephram that Beethoven was only a little older than Ephram when he wrote the song. Ephram says he bets Beethoven didn't have ten pages of algebra homework every night, either. M. Lansing: "Play." He's getting on my nerves. Ephram starts to play. M. Lansing barks, "Too slow. Faster!" Ephram tries to play faster. M. Lansing tells him it's still too slow, and bangs the cover down over the keys. Oh, no he didn't. You could have really hurt my boyfriend's fingers, you jackass. And also, shut up. Ephram stares at him and says, "You could have broken my fingers!" M. Lansing smarts back, "You're young. You'd heal quick." He shoves Ephram off the bench and starts playing the piece himself, perfectly. Asshole. Show-off. He finishes and tells Ephram he hasn't been practicing. Ephram says he was going to, but last week was Valentine's and he had a date. M. Lansing totally changes his tune (hee), and says, "A girl thing! That happens to be the one excuse that I'll accept." Sure, pal. Ephram tells him about Laynie, and they bond a little over girls. Except M. Lansing is totally gay. No, he is. He's got to be. Call it a hunch, or a blatantly obvious way of trying to make him seem interested in girls when, later in the season, he'll be outed fabulously. Whatever. Treat walks in with a tray, and tells Ephram to take it upstairs to Delia while he writes M. Lansing's check. Treat starts to write the check, and tells M. Lansing, who shall henceforth be known as "Big Gay Asshead," because I can, that Ephram played some hard piece of music when he was really little. Big Gay Asshead tells Treat that he wishes he'd stay out of the room during the lesson. Treat looks at him, taken aback, and Big Gay Asshead goes on to say, "I wouldn't want to muddy the waters with whatever issues you and Ephram have with each other." Huh? What in God's world does he think he's talking about? He's been to their house, like, twice. Treat says that he and Ephram don't have any issues, and hands the check over. Big Gay Asshead looks at the check and tells Treat that since the lesson went a half hour over, it's going to be fifty dollars extra. See? Big! Gay! Asshead! Treat jerks the check back and looks at BGA all, "You better watch your step, little boy, because I am Treat and I'll kick your little ass all OVER this living room." Commercial.

Someone's yard. People with shovels digging big holes. Patch and Treat walk up with the "reporter" trailing them, asking Patch how he feels about his dad being a murder accomplice. Patch tells him if he doesn't shut up, he'll sue him and his Pinecone faster "than Tom Selleck sued the National Enquirer." Heh. Treat tells Patch to chill, because Marv confessed to the murder twice, and he may be telling the truth. Patch accuses Treat of accusing his dad of covering up a murder. Patch says that he won't rest until his dad's name is cleared, "even if he has to dig a hole to China" himself. Why does everyone always dig to China? Why doesn't anyone ever dig to, say, Switzerland? The scenery is just beautiful there. I'll tell you this for free, the furthest my little brother and I ever got digging to China was about three feet and a giant ass-kicking from our mom for digging up her azaleas. Patch grabs a shovel from someone and starts digging furiously. He tells everyone that there's nothing there, just like he said. Except...there is! He plunges the shovel in one more time, and the Police Chief picks up something white. Human bones! Of course. Gah. What's next here, folks, Briscoe and Logan show up with their badges? I am so not enjoying this little episode of Law & Order: Retarded Everwood Unit.

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