We open in the high school's auditorium, where a banner proclaims "APP-FEST! Welcome to Your Future!" Parents and children swarm all over the place, checking out the college booths. Irv tells us that if you ask any parent, they'll tell you that his or her child is extraordinary, a genius of some kind, gifted by the gods. "One in a million might even be right. Just try to tell the other couple of hundred thousand they're not." Treat and Ephram walk uncertainly through the crowd. Treat can't believe that college is such an ordeal. Patch -- all suited up and hyper on Amy's Ivy League prospects -- stops Treat to inform him that college admissions is "raw competition." He says that parents they once car-pooled with are now the enemy. Treat says that Ephram and Amy are just juniors. Patch scoffs, "You have no idea, do you? You haven't read the guidebooks? School rankings? Talked to guidance counselors?" Patch shows Treat his gigantic stack of college reference literature. Treat says, "Well, I"m here." Patch says that this fest is a chance to talk to admissions counselors in person, and that Amy's "priority list" was made weeks ago. Amy, who'd been standing behind Patch, walks off. Patch is all, "Amy?" Heh. Patch leads Treat away, tutoring him on the finer points of the college ordeal. Music of Ensuing Hilarity plays.
Treat tells Ephram he's going to check it all out. Ephram sees his chance to bolt. He finds Amy hiding on the bleachers, behind some booths. Amy tells Ephram that she was going to check out the Tufts kiosk, but that someone's mother cross-checked her. Ephram remarks, "Survival of the pushiest." Weak. Amy says her year is going to suck: "Grade-polishing, SAT-tutoring, résumé-stuffing, parent management..." Who ARE these children? I remember taking the ACT and getting on with it. Of course, that may be why I graduated from, uh, Not Harvard. Ephram says he's glad his dad has no idea what's going on, so that Ephram doesn't have to deal with a pod parent.. Amy raises her eyebrows and nods over at Treat. Hee. Cut to Treat, all Treat-grinning, "Ephram! Come on down! Duke's giving away frisbees!" He hurls one into the bleachers. Ephram: "Oh God. He's become one of them." Amy: "Welcome."
Bad theme song! Bad!
Brown Kitchen. Ephram walks in, in his UNDERWEAR. He tells his dad that he looks tired. Treat says he was up all night with college books, and that he doesn't understand this new-fangled admissions process. There's a strategically-placed Tulane cap in the foreground. Louisiana RULZ! Treat asks Ephram what kind of extracurricular activities he's been involved in. Ephram says he's done a few things, but enjoyed none of them. Treat is freaking. He says that they are WAY behind the curve. Ephram looks at a list of top colleges, and says, "I guess we know where I'm not going." Aw. Except, he doesn't really care. Delia passes through to set up a future plot device and ask her dad if she can wear the shirt she has on. Treat says it looks fine to him. Delia: "I wore it yesterday." Treat tells her he doesn't think it matters what you wear in the fourth grade. It does in some future episode, doesn't it? Delia fixes herself some breakfast. Treat tells Ephram that they're not done talking about college; he needs to get his grades up and build a better "profile." Uh oh. Ephram's in trouble! Ephram says that Treat can help himself, but that Ephram has to take a shower. Nice...getaway?