Everwood
Fear Itself

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Crazy On A Ship Of Fools

Previously on Everwood: There are no previouslies, which comes as no surprise to anyone who saw last week's episode. Anyway. We fade up on a giant close-up of Colin's giant head, as Irv tells us: "They say that patience is a virtue; that good things come to those who wait. Of course, they also say, 'He who hesitates is lost.'" The FUCK? I can't believe Irv made me bust out with profanity this early in the recap. Pan down Colin's body, which is lying on one of them big fancy CAT scan thingies. A nurse's disembodied voice asks Colin if he's all right. He says he is. We see Treat and Colin's dad watching through a window. Treat tells Daddy Hart some medical blah blah about what caused Colin's seizures. Basically, Colin has a big clot in his brain that needs to be removed, but it's a dangerous procedure and might kill him. See how easy that was? Too bad it took Treat seven million words to say the same thing. Daddy Hart isn't sure if they want to do the surgery, because he's also got a brain problem. Treat tells him to talk to Colin and his wife and let him know what they decide. We pan back to Colin as Irv finishes, "Unfortunately, sometimes what looks like patience on the outside is only fear underneath, like so much sheep's clothing wrapped around a very clever wolf." Uh, okay. Poor Irv. I think they just played a trick on him and made him read every other word from an Aesop's fable or some shit. Credits.

Treat's Office. Irv and Feisty Nurse Edna are arguing. Irv says he couldn't change his "time." Edna says a man in his condition can't go alone. They argue all the way into the reception area, where Treat is just coming in. He says, "Sorry, didn't mean to...uh, walk into my own office. Everything okay?" Edna tells Treat that Irv wants to go play "Jeremiah Johnson," fresh from a coronary. Irv says that Everwood has been running a timeshare for this cabin way out somewhere for twenty years, and this is his weekend. He says he just wants to do a little fishing. Edna: "Split some wood. Pull-start a rusty Evinrude. Have a heart attack." We get it, Edna. You're concerned. Now shut it. Edna says she'll just cancel her trip with "Grey Thunder" (hee) and go with Irv. Irv says she'll do no such thing, because it keeps her from being surly the other 363 days a year. Edna says she doesn't see any other alternative. But we do, don't we, Rest Of The World? Why, Treat will go! It could be a Guys' Weekend! It would be fun! Irv tells him that he doesn't mean any offense, but he likes the peace and quiet. Edna cuts in, "It's him or me, Cowboy." Irv begrudgingly tells Treat, "We leave at eight sharp." Edna tells Treat she owes him one. Treat agrees.

Cut to Nina's House of Clomping Children. Nina "No, Really, That's CARL'S Porn" Feeny tells Sam to go upstairs and put "that stuff" right where he found it. He's wearing his dad's tie and boots, and I swear this is right out of a book I just read, but I can't remember what it was. I guess alcohol really DOES kill brain cells. Nina looks into the living room and sees two bags on the floor. She looks back and Creepy Carl has pulled a Sixth Sense on us, appearing behind Nina in the kitchen. "Surprise, baby!" he calls. Shut up, Carl. Nina turns and tells him hey. She doesn't look very happy. Shutup Carl hands her some flowers, and tells her he made sure they trimmed the thorns this time, because he didn't want her to cut herself again. Now, I'm no gardener -- oh, wait. Yes I am. Who cuts herself on thorns? Nobody. Unless you're a blonde citizen of Everwood trapped in a loveless marriage built on CRAZY. Shutup Carl kisses Nina, and she says, "So. When are you leaving?" Heh. He follows her into the kitchen and tries to feel her up while she's standing at the sink. Holy fuck, I hate him. Here's a little lesson for you men out there: When your wife is standing at the sink? And you go up behind her and try to feel her up? She HATES you and wants you and your penis to DIE. Housework is not hot. Don't learn the hard way, kids, and avoid yourselves a smack upside the head. Uh, anyway. Nina totally gives Shutup Carl the brush-off, telling him she's got a lot of work to do. Shutup Carl hits Nina with, "Is that store space still available?" Way to manipulate your wife, asshole. Nina stops for a second, and then asks him what he means. Shutup Carl says he put in his notice, and he's coming home for good. Nina gets real excited. Shutup Carl says he's just "been missing you guys so much." Nina hugs him, and the phone rings. Nina tells him to leave it, but Shutup Carl answers anyway. He listens for a second and says, "Listen, I'm going to have to call you back." Christ.

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Everwood

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