Episode Report Card
AB Chao: A | Grade It Now!

Hospital. Colin's cutting his hair. He tells his mom, "I told them if I have to wear a muumuu in public, I get to shave my own head." His mom, who I usually hate beyond reason, is actually bearable today. How did my world get all topsy-turvy? Mommy Hart tells him to be careful. Colin smiles at her and says, "Didn't you give me every single haircut I ever had until high school?" Mommy Hart nods, and says, "Then one day you came home and announced that you needed a cooler barber. You fired me." Colin laughs and apologizes. He asks his mom, "Any chance you'll take the job back?" Aw. She kisses him on the head and starts to cut. Colin gets lots of kisses on the head. Also, I am a professional with the hair, and Mommy Hart is doing some Krazy Kutting right here.

The camera pans out on Colin and his mom, and here's where I might lose it a little bit. A song I'd never heard before, but now have downloaded illegally (just kidding, corporate music people! I did no such thing! I'm not even typing this right now! I think Couch Baron's typing monkeys must have gotten ahold of my computer!) and listen to about one million times a day starts to play. It's "Cathedrals," by Jump, Little Children, and the song talks about the feeling you get in cathedrals that you should go home, and spend a lifetime finding out where home is. It's absolutely beautiful, and perfect for the montage they show us: Colin's mom cutting his hair; Treat studying Colin's x-rays and thinking to himself; Amy packing her bag, and remembering to take Grover with her; the surgical table being prepared; Colin's dad walking the halls of the hospital; back to Colin's head being shaved; Delia and Nina working on a sign for Colin; Treat scrubbing in; Colin's head, fully shaved; the Abbotts leaving together for the hospital; and finally, Colin on the operating table. Treat tells Colin to count backwards from ten. He starts to count, and is out before he gets to five. I haven't seen a more perfect scene this year, people, and I watch a LOT of television.

We cut to Ephram, getting a drink from the vending machines. Amy finds him there, and asks him if he wants to share a Twix. Ephram tells her she has a good memory. Amy tells him he can come sit with the rest of him if he wants; she says she would have called, but didn't think Ephram would want to come. Ephram tells her that he came for his dad. Good for you, brother. Amy remarks that things have definitely changed. And thank God for small favors, Princess. Ephram agrees, and says that change is bound to happen. Amy says she should probably get the drinks she came for. Ephram asks her if she needs any change, because he has "a whole bunch." So cute. So sweet. So in trouble if he doesn't CALL ME OVER THE SUMMER GODDAMN IT. Amy laughs at him. Ephram: "What?" Amy: "You. You're still taking care of me." Ephram holds up the change for her. She takes it. I almost puke, not because the scene sucks, but because hating myself for liking this bullshit is making me nauseated. Amy tells Ephram that she thought he'd be in New York already. He surprises us all by saying that he decided not to go this year. He says it's much better to go around Christmas, when it won't be so hot. Amy says it will probably be nice to go home for the holidays. Ephram makes us all cry -- yes, even YOU -- when he tells Amy, "Yeah, maybe. But...I am home." His lip trembles a little, and he gives us a tiny smile. I love him.

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