Episode Report Card
AB Chao: B | Grade It Now!

For some reason, my TiVo didn't tape, like, the first five seconds of the show, so it saddens me to have to inform you that there will be no recap of that. No, don't. Please stop crying. Anyway, the first thing I see is Treat walking into his living room, where Delia's birthday party is just getting good. Treat ruins it all by asking Brittany, who is wielding a stopwatch, where Delia is. Brittany screams at the closet door, "Abort! Abort!" Treat opens the door to find Delia and another kid in the cutest pre-teen liplock ever. Treat: "Abort! Abort!" Hee. Treat wants to know what the hell is going on. Delia's boy toy tells Treat that it's just "Seven Minutes in Heaven." Delia adds, "The party was lame!" Treat orders them out of the closet, rips the kid -- whose name is "Charlie," and who is a cutie -- a new one, and kicks him out of the party, saying they're going to go talk to his mom. Treat leaves Nina in charge, telling her to make sure the party is little less "Pre-teens Gone Wild." Nina's all, "Okay, kids. Sugar it is!" And, credits.

Treat knocks on the door of a beautiful house. I thought he walked the kid home. Why is he knocking? The door opens, and...hey, it's Anne Heche! You look very pretty with long hair, Miss Anne. I'm sorry you're Krazy. I'm sorry you talked about the herpes on your "tiny baby pussy" in your book. I'm sorry you think you are a special alien princess. I will try to not think about these things, and maybe someday we'll be friends. IN SPACE. Anne greets Treat, and asks if everything's okay. Treat says there's something they need to discuss, but he doesn't know quite how to handle it. Anne, who introduces herself as "Amanda," tells Treat to just spit it out, as she's a big fan of blurting. Treat follows Amanda into her kitchen, and tries to tell her about the party, but can only get out, "I found our kids...standing...there's a closet?" before Amanda's all, "Oh, right. Seven Minutes in Heaven." Treat can't believe Amanda already knows about this. Amanda informs Treat that it's happening at all the cool kids' parties these days, and really doesn't see it as a big deal. Treat tells Amanda that the party was awesome until her son ruined it with his sex games. Amanda's like, "Really? Huh." Awesome. Treat is totally overreacting. Also, I can't believe I just sided with Anne Heche about ANYTHING. Treat says he has a much better perspective on this since he's a doctor, and knows what kind of trouble these kids can get into. Amanda asks Treat if he even understands the rules of Seven Minutes in Heaven, adding, "They're not actually allowed to shoot up in there." Heh. Treat starts to lecture Amanda about the dangers of letting kids grow up too fast, while she smiles and nods and goes blithely about fixing dinner. Man, I'm really liking her style. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME? Tiny baby pussy. Tiny baby pussy. Ah, there. That's better. Treat tells Amanda that the wayward path is just around the corner. Amanda: "Is it around the corner or down the block? I've been looking for that wayward path everywhere." Treat continues to babble. Please shut up, Treat. Amanda asks Treat to please lower his voice a smidge, because her husband is resting. Treat gives up, finally. He tells Amanda that he's sorry for disturbing them, and next time he's concerned about the kids in Everwood, he'll remember that Amanda and her husband don't care. He storms out, remembering to slam the door real hard.

Diner. Nina serves Patch his breakfast, and he asks her if she would please add a little arsenic to it next time -- not enough to kill him, just enough to send him to the hospital so he doesn't have to go back to his office. He explains that he keeps wavering between gratitude and disgust because of Treat's constant generosity. Nina: "The man is a monster." Patch says every time Treat reaches for his wallet, it reminds him how tightly he clings to his own. Nina says it's easy for Treat to be generous, because of the clamp he invented that has him set up for life. Patch is like, "Clamp? What clamp?" Nina says that Treat invented some kind of clamp for brain surgery, and now he's totally rich. Well, now we know how Treat can afford to provide free medical services. Patch can't believe it. And then, to add insult to injury, Scooter is right there to tell Patch about something he invented -- an epidermal laser. Patch: "Oh, when was this? On your journey down the birth canal?" Hee. Scooter giggles, and tells "Hal" that he's too much. Patch leaves in a hurry. Scooter tells Nina how much he loves Patch. Nina remarks that Patch is definitely a "cuddlebug," and asks Scooter what she can get him. It takes him about ten years to say it, but what Scooter wants is a date with Nina. Nina is obviously flattered, but declines. She tells Scooter he's not her type. Scooter asks what her type is. Nina says the last time anyone asked her out, she was fifteen, and her type then was anyone who could light a match with their teeth, and then she married a gay man. Hee! We've all been there, Nina. Some of us more recently than others. Scooter asks Nina if she's sure. Nina is. Scooter is disappointed, but still musters up a little dimple for Nina on his way out the door.

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