Cut to the Abbott House. Patch has the dining room absolutely covered in college paraphernalia -- hats, applications, catalogs, brochures, pamphlets, the works. The biggest stack, of course, belongs to Princeton. SHOUT-OUT TO SARS! ANOTHER ONE TO COUCH BARON! I myself graduated from that esteemed Southern institution, The Burbonne. Patch calls for Amy. Amy's all, "Yeah?" until she sees that college threw up all over her house. She stops in her tracks. "Whoa." The graduation theme song starts to play as Patch says, "Amy Abbott, allow me to introduce you to...your future. Suffering from application anxiety? Overwhelmed by the options? Well, fret no more, because we answer all questions tonight." Patch is so cute when he's nutso. Amy asks her dad what the heck he did. Patch says he only sent away for every piece of information on the top fifty universities in the nation, and they are going to narrow them down to her top ten...together. "We'll begin with the shameful number fifty, Penn State, and work our way up to the top institution." Here Patch dons a gigantic Princeton-colored scarf, and bellows, "PRIIIIINCETONNNN!" ["My dad did that too…every time he got my tuition bill. [rim shot]" -- Sars] Amy tells her dad that this is all really great, and she even loves all fifty of the hats, but she already knows where she wants to apply. Patch deflates. "You do?" Amy says kinda, yeah, she does. Patch says he was hoping they could do the research together. Aw, poor shot-down Patch. Amy says she did the research at school, and has narrowed her choices down to NYU, Columbia, Wellesley, Sarah Lawrence, Barnard, Tufts, and Harvard. After this last one, she adds, "So that you don't start skipping church." Heh. Patch won't give up. He asks if she doesn't have room for just one more. "Maybe...Princeton, perhaps? Or how about...Princeton?" Amy giggles, and says she knows he's always had a thing for Princeton, but she just doesn't see herself there. "I mean, eating clubs? What's that about?" Well, Amy, I know a very pretty boss who will tell you exactly what it's about, and will also kick your ass. ["They're like fraternities, but different. Click here to learn more." -- Sars] Patch reminds his daughter that Princeton has always been her dream; he has baby pictures of her in an orange sweatshirt, and surely it wouldn't hurt just to fill out the application. Amy thanks her dad for all his hard work, but continues to politely decline his offers of Princetoneity.
Brown House. Treat and Delia are trying to decide what movie they're going to watch. Treat munches on popcorn while Delia runs through the choices: A Cinderella Story, The Powerpuff Girls, and Saving Private Ryan. Treat gives her a look. Delia: "I like to mix it up." Mixing it up is Grease, little girl, not body parts being blown off. Ephram interrupts to say he's going to practice, and he's also ditching school the next day. Delia's all, "Ooh, can I ditch school too?" Treat tells her she sure can, as long as she gets a job. Hee. Ephram tells Treat he's going on a tour of Colorado A&M. Treat wants to know why, and says he's surprised, since they decided on all this last year. Ephram says he just wants to keep his options open, and it's just a tour. Treat wants to go. Ephram says Treat isn't invited. Treat weasels his way in. Ephram's like, "Gah, fine." Treat goes to make more popcorn, and Delia tells her brother, "You have NO learning curve." Good one, Delia. Commercials.