The Birds & The Batteries

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The Birds & The Batteries

Cut to the diner, where Treat is discussing the various herbs in his sandwich that make it taste so good. Treat is gayer than my husband, and here is how gay my husband is: he differentiates between chopped garlic and minced garlic. He hems his pants one-eighth of an inch. He owns more hair products than Paul Mitchell. I could go on, but I will spare him further embarrassment. Oh, look! It's Scooter Dimpleman! He bops in and asks Nina, "How's my favorite waitress?" Nina, who is impervious to both the charm and the dimples, answers, "Tired, underpaid, and smelling vaguely of grease." Scooter requests a coffee, to go. As Nina fills his order, Scooter sits down next to Treat and says, "She looks pretty cute in that apron, doesn't she?" Treat ignores his nemesis. Scooter goes on, "What's the story with you two? You ever hook it up?" Treat glares at Scooter and says, "'Hook it up'? Who are you, my frat brother?" Ha! Scooter tells Treat not to be mad about Edna; she came to him, and he would have never given her the job if he knew it would "come between" them. Scooter suggests that he and Treat "hug it out," because he's got a case he could really use some backup on. He opens his arms wide, all, "Come on, Andy. Come on." Treat reluctantly hugs Scooter. It is the funniest thing I have seen in my lifetime. After they hug, Treat says, "Wow, that is some shampoo you're using. What is that, apple?" Scooter: "Pear." Okay, so...both gay. Awesome. Scooter tells Treat that his patient is a fifty-four-year-old African American male with viral cardiomyopathy. The problem is, the man needs a transplant if he's going to live much longer, and the patient won't even let Scooter put him on the list. Scooter wants Treat to try and get through to the patient. Treat says he'll do it, but not because he likes him. He waits a beat, then says, "I still don't like you." Heh. Scooter says he'll send over the chart. Treat starts to walk out of the diner, then asks what the patient's name is. Scooter. "Hoover. Bill Hoover." Hmmm. Interesting.

Amy's Room of Unsolicited Social Help. Hannah is over, and the girls are doing homework together. Amy puts her plan in motion: "So, I hear you're a writer." Hannah says she's totally not; she just writes, which is more different than it sounds. Amy asks if she does poetry. Hannah: "Please, no. I'm not Daria." Amy asks what she writes. Hannah says she writes some short stories, but mainly just whatever comes into her head, like journal-type stuff. Amy's all, "Cool, can I see?" Hannah is mortified. Amy sees that she needs to go to Plan B, which is revealing Plan A. She tells Hannah that she thinks it would be, like, totally awesome if Hannah could use writing as a way to meet new people and get more involved in school. Hannah: "Do I need to meet new people?" Amy explains that Hannah doesn't have to be a big-time joiner or anything, but sometimes it's good to try something new, and she might be surprised and actually like it. Amy then informs Hannah that she will be submitting one of her stories to Jane, which will make her super-popular and cool. Hannah's like, "Wait, WHAT?" Amy tells her not to worry, that she'll help her pick a story out, and she doesn't have to do it alone. Hannah says she doesn't want to do it at all. Amy can't believe that Hannah isn't beside herself with excitement about this plan. Hannah says her writing is private, and she hasn't ever shown anybody any of it. Amy: "So you won't even show me?" You, whom Hannah has known for approximately five minutes? Get over yourself, Abbott. Amy says to just forget she ever asked. Hannah looks sad. Sad, but right.

Dinnertime at the Abbott House. Patch, in a pink shirt and his usual tucked-in napkin, says to Bright, "You'll never guess who I ran into today." Bright: "Paris Hilton." Hee. Patch says no, he ran into "Ralph Bigelow," and it turns out that Ralph is looking for new lodge hosts over at the Inn. Patch's grand plan is for Bright to take a hosting job, so he can learn all the ins and outs of the service, then go to college and major in hotel and resort management. He's gotten Bright an interview for the next afternoon. Bright looks at his mother for reassurance. Rose nods in approval. Patch tells Bright that there's an especially fine program at UNLV. Bright is wooed by the thought of a Vegas education. He thanks his parents and says he'll definitely think about it, but he can't interview tomorrow, because he's working at the job he already has. Ah, not so fast, young hottie. Patch has already called Mikey and arranged for Bright to have the day off. Bright is clearly furious, but hides it well. He thanks his parents again for the cool opportunity, then heads up to his room to throw large objects at walls.

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