Previously: Ephram was cute.

Over black-and-white stills of various locations in the town, Irv tells us that a lot changes in small towns. Tell me about it -- one year you miss your quota of hot, brooding teenage boys, and then suddenly one shows up from New York and makes everything right. Irv talks about the old bank, the old gas station, and "you all know what happened to the train depot." Yeah, we're done with the previouslies, Irv. I know you know which one is the gas pedal, so let's get going here. And then, Irv tells us, there's the "Kissing Bridge." We see a shot of said bridge, which makes me think that the local sanitarium is quite liberal in scheduling field projects for its patients. Irv goes on that "legend" has it that a man and a woman who lived on opposite sides of the river constructed the bridge so they could meet in the middle and share their first kiss. Two things about that: One, unless this bridge predates Colorado's admission into the Union, I don't really think that enough time has passed for this rather twee story to be a legend. Two, one look is enough to tell any sane individual that fording the river is a rather safer bet than setting foot on that thing. Irv: "Now, if people had just stuck to kissing, Doctor Brown may have been able to avoid one heck of a crisis." Boy, that segue couldn't have been more awkward if it had thrown up on Queen Elizabeth's shoes at a state dinner party. Irv goes on that the Kissing Bridge has stood the test of time, as a random guy pedals toward it on his bicycle. "Some things are built to last, and some things aren't." Suddenly the guy goes crashing through the floor of the bridge, bike and all, completely contradicting Irv's sentiment. The Piano Of Will No One Ever Listen To The Goddamned Recapper finishes up its jaunty tune. Credits.

The theme music is growing on me. I now find it exactly as pleasant as nails on a chalkboard.

Everwood Train Station Of Free Medicine And Salty Nurses. The bike rider, who it turns out is the boy in his early teens who's in one of Treat's credits shots, complains, "You're not supposed to fall through a bridge." Well, yes, kid, I'm glad you've got the meaning of that word down. Here, have a National Merit Scholarship. The kid exposits that he fractured his arm in three places. Hope you can switch-hit at your age, kid, especially in light of the upcoming MEOW plotline. Treat tells some boring story about some other patient, but Edna sticks her head in to tell him that "the Clarks" (Clarkes?) are in the next room. Treat writes Bridge Boy a prescription and sends him on his way. Treat next goes in to see the Clark(e)s, who are mother and high-school-age daughter, and the mother tells him that the prescription he wrote for "Susie" is really doing the trick. Susie totally looks like Azura Skye, but apparently isn't. Treat sort of beats around the bush, saying that everything's not cool and maybe he should talk to Susie alone, but the mother gets a little testy, and Susie, sucking on a lollipop, says she doesn't care. Insert your own "that's not all she's sucking on" joke here. Treat breaks the news that Susie's got an STD. Susie protests that she's never had sex. Well, intercourse isn't the only way to get an STD, dear. Wake up, little Susie. The mother gets on her high horse and proclaims that her dear Susie has had no sex, no way, no day, but Treat's all, the culture ain't lying, woman. Realizing there's no getting around the truth, the mother looks at Susie, who's all, "Well, I've never done anything that can get me pregnant, and that's what sex is. Right, Mom?" You know, Susie looks old enough to have taken a little class that, twenty-plus years ago when I was in junior high, was called "Hygiene." And given Everwood's one-horse town feel, it's probably still called that there. Prudish as she may seem, Susie's mom got an A in Hygiene, so she knows that whoever taught Susie about sex left out a few birds and just as many bees. She yanks the lollipop out of Susie's mouth. Hee. But that poor lollipop will never be accepted into polite society again.