Three Miners From Everwood

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Three Miners From Everwood

[Note From The Recapper: My good friend Allison Lowe Huff is here this weekend, and decided to help me write the recap, despite having never seen the show. We hope you enjoy this brilliant collaboration.]

We open in a mine, and learn the history of the Everwood coal mines. Cut to the mines today, where some blue-collar people walk around. Irv says that the mine used to be closed, but now it's open. Cut to Beau Bridges, checking his mail. Cut to James Earl Jones in his kitchen. Darth Vader makes a sandwich.

Cut -- and what's with all the cutting? -- to Treat's office. He delivers some bad news to Bright's high school guidance counselor and his very bitter coal-miner wife, Ellie. They will not be having a baby. Ellie responds to this news by saying, "I'm gonna go dig some coal." As she leaves the scene, you can hear her whispering, "This will be the worst recap ever written."

Allison says it's lucky that I have her here to help me, since she is an expert in occupational health, and that's what this episode is about. The guidance counselor is mad because he says Ellie's job in the coal mine is what's keeping them from getting pregnant. Marital strife ensues. Ellie, who resembles Martina Navratilova on several levels, calls the guidance counselor's manhood into question by telling him, "You make it hard to want to do much of anything with you." In lieu of his real name, Allison thinks we should call him "Unfortunate Balding Man." After Ellie shuts him down, Unfortunate Balding Man leaves in a huff. Ellie and Treat discuss the possibility that Unfortunate Balding Man is correct, and that her job is the problem. The real issue here, as we all know, is that Unfortunate Balding Man should have never married a coal-mining tennis-playing lesbian.

Cut to the coal mine, where Ellie, though she's been working at a coal mine for over fifteen years, still experiences sexual discrimination at the workplace. Darth Vader and Beau Bridges won't let her into the death-trap elevator. Ellie calls Darth Vader a bastard, and he lets her in. They go down.

Irv says a little something-something about something, and then, "All of a sudden..." and there's a big explosion. A tragic mining accident has just gone down in Everwood. The credits roll, and we do not get the benefit of hearing James Earl Jones say, "This is Everwood."

Back in Everwood, the paramedics respond to the crisis. Treat, Patch, and Rinda rush in where they are not needed. Some guy tells Rinda that there are three survivors trapped in the mine, and hurt badly. Rinda wants to know EVERYTHING about the victims. Shut up, Rinda.

Here is where Allison gives you her expertise in occupational health and safety: This would never happen. The coal mining industry is regulated by the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (or OSHA!), and this mine would most likely would have emergency procedures in place to deal with a tragedy of this kind. We take a slight pause here to mourn the death of Allison's creativity, and pray that she does not have to continue learning OSHA facts for the rest of her sad, sad days.

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