Nina's lawyer: "Have you shared the fact that you're gay?" Heh. Shutup Carl says Sam is too young to know those kinds of things, and that he hasn't told Sam he's a Republican, either. Of course he's a Republican. Nina's lawyer wants to know when Sam will be old enough. Shutup Carl doesn't know. "Four or five years, maybe?" Nina's lawyer: "Is that how long it will take for you to get comfortable with being a gay father? Should your son have to suffer because you're still ashamed of your lifestyle?" Ooh, burn. Morgan objects. He's overruled. How did I suddenly start recapping Law & Order: Special Custody Unit? Shutup Carl says he's not ashamed of anything. "I thought the question here was about who's best for Sam, not who's gay and who's not." Nina's lawyer has no more questions. Sam Waterston passes out.
Cut to Ephram and -- hey, Delia! -- in the store, looking for a birthday present for Madison. Ephram asks Delia what she thinks about a very ugly fondue pot. Delia: "It's a pot." Ephram says Madison cooks all the time, so it's perfect, right? Delia: "But it's a pot." Hee. Delia asks her brother if he and Madison are getting married. Ephram freaks out all, "What? No! I don't know. What? That's a long way away." Ephram's cell phone rings. He answers it, and a girl asks, "Is this the jailbait?" Ephram is confused, but it's one of Madison's friends, who tells him that she wants to throw Madison a surprise party, so Ephram has to take her to dinner and then bring her over so they can surprise her and get her real drunk. Ephram says it sounds like fun, and gets off the phone. Delia walks over with a giant espresso machine. She tells Ephram, "It's five hundred dollars, but they said it was the best. Where's your wallet?" Heh. I like her style.
Back to Law & Order: SCU. Treat is on the stand, wearing a very nice suit. It's weird. Morgan asks him about not prescribing Ritalin for Sam, which we all know was a huge, huge mistake. Treat says he examined Sam and didn't feel it was indicated. He goes on to say that Sam is a bright, well-adjusted kid who, admittedly, can be a handful, which Nina does a great job with. Morgan asks Treat if he sees Sam regularly for checkups. Treat says he does. Morgan: "How about the broken arm he sustained on February 7 of this year?" Uh-oh. Treat says Sam went to the ER for that. Morgan asks Treat to tell the court exactly what happened on that day, to the best of his recollection. Treat starts out, "Well, in typical little-boy fashion..." and is interrupted by Morgan, who commands, "Without the commentary, Doctor, thank you." Heh. Treat says, "Sam tried to drive the family car. Drove into a pole." I'm pretty sure Morgan didn't ask Treat to turn into a robot, but whatever. Morgan goes exactly where everyone is afraid he's going, which is that Nina was not only not watching Sam, but was asleep when the accident happened. Treat tries real hard not to say that, but is finally forced to when Morgan presses him about Nina's whereabouts during the accident. Nina is mortified, and the judge excuses them all until the next day. Poor Treat. He didn't mean to thoroughly fuck up Nina's life, honest he didn't!
Abbott House. Rose and Patch are loading all of Amy's stuff into her room. Patch starts folding clothes, but Rose tells him to let Amy unpack her own stuff. Patch "helpfully" opens one more bag and looks in the bottom of it. He pulls out Amy's birth control pills and goes into shock. Plinky Piano of Teenage Sex fades us to commercials.
We come back to Madison and Ephram walking to her house after dinner. Madison says they have plenty of time until the concert, and she was sure she left her lights on. She opens the door and two hundred of her closest friends yell, "Surprise!" Madison jumps up and down, obviously surprised. The friend who called Ephram "jailbait" on the phone tells her that she couldn't have pulled it off without Ephram. Madison's all, "So...we're not going to any concert?" Dummy. There is no concert. Which Ephram then tells her. Madison goes off to see her gifts, and Jailbait Girl tells Ephram she'll hook him up with some tequila shots. For reasons unknown, she calls him "J.B." Ephram declines, saying he has to drive. And, you know, be twenty-one.
Cut to the new diner, where every teenager in Everwood has gathered for some good old-fashioned fun. Amy arrives alone, and asks bitchy Paige if she can sit at their table. Paige gives Amy the stink-eye, and Amy tries to apologize for being a bad friend. She says she wants to change that, and work on things. Paige retorts, "Wow, you're really desperate, aren't you?" Amy says that she shouldn't have come. Not if you're trying to be friends with this mega-bitch, you shouldn't have. Paige tells Amy that she shouldn't have ditched her in the first place. Amy says she didn't ditch anybody. Paige is all, "One day we're talking on the phone all the time, then suddenly Laynie's your best friend and you don't even wave to me in the hall." Aw, did she take back her "BE- FRIE-" necklace, too, Paige? Amy says nobody picked up the phone for her either, or did one kind thing for her after Colin died, they just wanted her to keep on acting like she always did. Bright watches this exchange sadly, but does nothing. Get up, man! Show your sister some love! Amy tells Paige that she's just trying to get her life back. Paige brats, "Well, you can't have it back." I hate teenage girls.
Nina's House. Treat walks in and tells her how sorry he is for ruining her life. Nina says she's not mad at him; she might be one day, but right now she's just worried. She says that when she was in the courtroom listening to Treat talk, she couldn't believe that he was describing her. "I couldn't believe you were talking about me, and all you did was tell the truth. And all I could think is, any mother who could let that happen to her son doesn't deserve him." She tells Treat that Shutup Carl might be right; maybe she's not the best person to take care of Sam anymore. Pity, party of one? Treat tells Nina she's crazy to think that about herself, and that if anyone is to blame, it's him for saying those things. Nina says she's so tired from working three jobs, and when she does see Sam, all she does is snap at him, which is maybe missing the point. Treat says the point is that she's willing to do anything to make a life for Sam. Nina says none of it's any good if she can't even keep him safe. Treat assures her that it was an accident, and it could have happened to anyone. Can these two just make out already and have done with it, please? Nina tells Treat that she's already been looking for jobs and apartments in Denver, because she's sure Shutup Carl is going to win, and she has to be close to Sam. Treat reminds her how much she loves Everwood, and says she can't just leave. Nina says she doesn't want to leave, but she might have to. Treat tells her not to think about it for now, and says, "This isn't over yet." Nina: "Feels like it is." Aw.
Patch and Rose are waiting for Amy at the House of Abbott. When she walks in the door, Patch fixes her with some Manson Lamps and grinds his teeth down to nubs. Amy asks her parents if they were talking about her. Patch tries to speak through what teeth he has left: "Irv brought by the remainder of your things today. I took it upstairs and opened it for you, and..." Rose finishes for Patch, "Your birth control pills were there." Patch tells Amy that he wasn't rummaging through her personal effects with the intent of finding something. Amy says she wouldn't blame him if he were. Way to act right, Amy Abbott! Patch says that in any case, he sure would like to have a conversation about it. Amy tells her parents that she's not sleeping with anybody. "And I didn't sleep with Tommy if that's what you guys were wondering." Patch softens at this. Aw, Amy. I love you in this scene. You're sweet, and vulnerable, and very very pretty in that outfit. Amy asks if she can go upstairs now. Patch says he's not sure if they're done. Amy: "Honestly, Dad, there's nothing to discuss. I thought it was a good idea, but as it turns out, everything that I think is a good idea is actually really wrong and dumb. I thought I could get my life back, but I was wrong about that, too, and now I have no friends, and Bright hates me...I just don't know what you want me to do. If you want me to throw out the pills, I will. I just want to go to bed, okay?" Break my heart, why don't you, Amy? Rose tells her finally-sweet-again daughter to go get some rest. Patch tells Amy that they probably all share some blame in this, but that he hates to think of her having to go to some clinic to get a prescription. Amy tells her dad that she didn't go to a clinic. Patch: "What?" Oh, no. Somebody is about to be in big trouble. We'll call him "Treat," becau