Everwood
Unhappy Holidays

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Unhappy Holidays

Treat opens the door to his house and calls to his children. "Anybody home?" Not a soul answers, so he shuts the door and gets all excited that he can peacefully hide all the Christmas presents he's holding. Ah, Strings of Zany Antics to Come, there you are. As Treat opens the coat closet and looks for a good hiding place, Irv tells us, "Holidays are an age-old ritual; solemn rites passed down from one generation to the next. A time for family and friends and good cheer. They're also a time for giving and receiving; a time for surprises. Some surprises are hidden in boxes, wrapped up in colorful paper and ribbons. Still others we carry inside, concealed in our own hearts, while we wait for just the right moment to reveal them." Enough already, Irv. Hmm, I wonder if something...I don't know, surprising is about to happen?

Treat busily squirrels his gifts away, and hears Ephram and Madison coming in just in time to hide himself in the closet. Ephram's all, "See? Nobody home. Now we can totally make out on this couch here." Madison doesn't wanna. She is afraid. Ephram assures her that everything will be fine. Madison says, "What if your dad comes in?" Ephram says that Treat is "totally clueless," and would have no idea what was going on even if he did come in. Meanwhile, Treat watches the entire exchange through a crack in the closet door. Ephram + Madison = Dumbasses. Ephram insults his father some more, then pulls Madison to him so he can French her and then maybe get to second base. Treat, who has had quite enough, thank you, tries to open the closet door, which appears to be stuck. Madison tells Ephram that he has to tell Treat about their relationship, and Ephram promises he will, "if you promise to teach me that tongue curl thing you were talking about." Ew. EW! EWWWWW. I may never recover from that line. They giggle and fall all over each other onto the couch, and Treat rescues us all by finally busting through the closet door. Ephram and Madison jump up like they're on fire. Treat bellows, "What the HELL is going on?" Behind him, the shelf holding all the gifts falls down. Aw. Irv informs us, "Unfortunately, not all surprises are good ones," and we go to the credits.

Brown House of Fatherly Lectures. Treat tells Ephram and Madison that what they are doing is beyond unacceptable. Ephram tells Treat that he's overreacting. Treat says he doesn't think it would be possible to overreact to something like this. Madison jumps in, "I wanted to tell you." Treat says, "So I heard. Right after the [EWWWW!] tongue-curling lessons!" Ephram tries to blame Treat instead, accusing him of spying. God. Shut up, Ephram. I'm very sorry, and I love you, but you need to STOW IT, boyfriend. Treat's all, "THIS is why there's no privacy when you're sixteen." Ephram tries to tell his dad that it's none of his business. Treat argues that hiring Madison to babysit, then aiding and abetting a felony is damn sure his business. There's been some talk on the forums that, legally, in Colorado, what Ephram and Madison are doing is not actually a felony. That may be true, but Making A Recapper Gag Repeatedly carries a sentence of up to five years in the state of TWoP, my friends. Ephram says something about it being better if he had sex with someone his own age, and Madison freaks. "No sex. No sex at all." Treat gives them the opposite of the Treat-grin, which is...the Treat-grimace? He says that the fact is, Madison isn't Ephram's age, and that makes all the difference. He tells Madison that his first thought is to fire her, and then to kill Ephram, but he's not going to. He says that firing Madison wouldn't be fair to Delia, so she can stay, but their relationship is over. Ephram tries to argue, but Treat is NOT having it. Ephram protests again, because he is just stupid enough to test a man of Treat's stature and current state of rage, but Madison cuts him off. She tells Treat it's over, and never should have happened. Ephram gives Madison a look like "Wha?" Believe it, baby. Treat tells Madison he thinks she should go home now. Ephram tries to follow her, but Treat tells him, "You even think about it, she's fired and you're grounded for life." Yay! This episode is Treat-a-licious.

Abbott House. Patch Abbott is Dustbustering everything in the house. Bright walks in the living room with a snack. Patch yells, "Crumbs!" Hee. Patch tells Bright he can have crumbs when his grandparents have gone home...or died. Oh, goody! Rose opens the door and announces, "We're home!" Hey, it's Betty White! I wonder if she's traveled down the road and back again. Shut up. Grandma Betty hugs and kisses all over Bright, and asks Patch if he was maybe not well enough to accompany Rose to the airport. Hee. Rose's dad, "Herb," who seems like a nice enough man, adjusts his hearing aid and asks Patch for a Scotch. Good idea, Herb. Grandma Betty asks after Amy. Rose and Patch exchange glances and mumble something about her being home later. Patch sees that Bright is taking his grandparents' bags up to Patch and Rose's room, starts to protest, and is cut off by Grandma Betty: "I need to pee." Classy. Patch rolls his eyes the first of many times this hour.

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Everwood

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