Ex List

Episode Report Card
Angel Cohn: C- | Grade It Now!
Ex on the Beach

The gang is at the beach, Bella and Cyrus are heading back to the blankets post-surfing -- guess she really is kinda sporty, and it wasn't just all a front for last week's beau. Anyway, she splashed some guy with the surf, Cyrus thinks that could be bad karma in case the guy was "the one." Bella's doubtful; besides, now that she's peeled off her wetsuit to reveal a colorful-but-teeny bikini top, she's drawing the attention of some underage boys. Wait, they aren't checking her out, they're agog at Vivian, who is their teacher; she ruins their boners by talking about Stalin. I typed that and thought I was being racy, but the next thing out of Augie's mouth is about masturbation, so really, I've just channeled the wavelength of this show.

They head back home, and Bella sees Moo the kitty, who knocked over her potted basil. But then she sees her kitchen screen has been cut and her iPod is missing. The boys from next door come over, and she laments that none of their electronics were stolen, but her face scrub was apparently a hot item for the thieves. Rufus didn't scare the thief off. Cyrus blames the psychic. He believes that Psychic Marina should warn Bella about such things (I am of the Final Destination theory that even if you know about it, it will find a way to sneak up on you eventually. I know that's about death, and whatever -- in general, it's better to suck it up and deal with the badness as it happens.) Then, in walks Ronnie Helton, local cop.

We flashback to 1991 (and we know this because of the words on the screen and the loud presence of Jesus Jones music.) Bella's a sophomore, she sneaks out of her house and then she's sitting on Ronnie's lap talking about boys. Bella's cop dad, who interrupts their moment... such as it is. Dad wants to break them up, Bella (young Bella, who looks or sounds nothing like Elisabeth Reaser) says that she loves Ronnie. Dad escorts her off, says he's shipping her off to her grandmother's for the summer. Ronnie shrugs it off in a weirdly disinterested way. Ah, teen love at its finest.

Back at the present, Bella's doing that dopey, "Could this ex be my one and only true love?" smile, and Ronnie's like, "Um, you were robbed? What's your damage?" Ronnie wants to know which of the boys lying on the floor mooching Bella's food is her boyfriend. Neither. She tries to shoo them away. Then Ronnie wants to know if she's got any disgruntled exes who might want to steal their iPod back. Disgruntled exes? Boy, does she have them in spades. She starts listing off her stolen items (watch, iPod...) while not-so-surreptitiously checking out his left hand for a wedding band. He calls her on it. He's not married. He pretends to be ignoring her and doing his police business, but then makes a comment about how she still looks 16. But then he gets called away and leaves her with his signature, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do" line.

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