Survivor

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Probst's "previously on" segment is ridiculous this week. He claims that last week's episode was "the most epic battle" in all twenty seasons of this show, which can't possibly be true. I didn't even see Seasons 11-15 and I'm sure they had more epic battles. Hell, I had a more epic battle yesterday when I tried to resist the siren song of some coffee cake in my kitchen. I lost that battle, by the way. Probst then goes on to spend like five minutes worshipping Rob more than Douche ever did, telling us how amazing at everything he was. I do like how he said Li'l Russell was jealous of Rob's awesomeness, though.

The Villains return to camp. Li'l Russell and Parvati are very proud of themselves; Li'l Russell for engineering the ouster of Rob, and Parvati for "picking the right guy" to team up with. Li'l Russell gets way too close to the camera as he interviews that Rob was "after" him (which he really wasn't until like five minutes before Tribal Council when it was brought to his attention that Li'l Russell existed) and he beat him, so therefore he is the best player this game has ever seen. Although he's been saying that since the first episode of his first season, so, whatever. Meanwhile, Parvati and Danielle talk about how much fun it is to "blindside" people. I hope they aren't talking about Rob, because he really wasn't blindsided. He seemed pretty accepting of what his fate would be. "I only like doing it to people that deserve it," Danielle adds. "Me too!" Parvati quickly agrees. Like any of us believe that. Douche, meanwhile, stands around glaring at everyone. He interviews angrily that he never wanted Rob out of the tribe and now they're screwed. He calls the people who voted for Rob "cowards" and says Li'l Russell is a "bully." Dude, are you even serious? We all know the only coward last week was you because you didn't have the guts to take a stand one way or the other, and so put in a throwaway vote for Courtney knowing that Rob was getting four votes. Also, shouldn't he be crying about Rob calling him a "little man?" I think he might have told himself that a completely different set of events happened last week and he totally believes that to be true, much like he does about everything else.

On the beach, Jerri feels bad about voting Rob out and worries that it was the wrong thing to do. "I miss him already," she sighs. Douche finally has to ask her why, if that's true, was she the one who voted him out. Good point, Douche. Jerri claims to have no idea what Douche is talking about. I'm starting to wonder if the producers of this show, in their desire to keep Li'l Russell in the game as long as possible, chloroformed Jerri and Douche on their way to Tribal Council and replaced them with look-alikes. Douche sighs in an interview that he is now somehow "forced" to be in an alliance with Li'l Russell that is "based on lies" and asks Jerri if they should "make a play" to get rid of Li'l Russell. Which they absolutely could because whichever alliance they choose will have the majority. But they're both scared to do anything, so Jerri says they should "wait 'til the merge." Because it's not like it'll be too late by then or anything. Douche interviews that the Villains probably won't win another challenge without Rob and they are effectively "done." "Pray for the merge," he says. He really isn't a very good coach, is he?

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Survivor

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