Ahoy, adventure fans! It's time to discuss two hours of Crusoe, and while I don't like it any more than you do, at least we're in this thing together. Let's set sail, mateys!
"How strange a world of providence is the life of man," our hero voiceovers to start us off, and he's already lost me. Luckily some traumatic flashes of his shipwreck bring me back to things I can understand, and the camera pans over the wreckage and corpses until we come to the sole survivor, Robinson Crusoe himself, who seems to have survived the wreck by tying himself to the top of one of the masts at the last minute. Which is an interesting thing to do in a panic. Don't try that in an actual shipwreck, kids. He tells us he's been on this island for many years and has just about given up hope of getting off of it. He's glad he's alive though, but he misses home and the wife he left behind there. He does not, however, explain why he left her in the first place if he's so crazy about her, but I hate to be nosy.
All this sentimental reminiscing is interrupted when Crusoe spies an incoming boat donning a British flag. He shouts to his dog Dundee (heyyyy! They didn't have Paul Hogan in whatever century this is!) to get a move on because they are saved. They take off through the jungle together and Crusoe suddenly ditches Paul Hogan Puppy to fricking zipline across the entire island to this sweet treehouse he has set up, and we see the first series of his zillions of mouse trap-inspired gadgetry systems. This one involves a bunch of levers and pulleys and logs and a frying pan and a musket, and it sets off smoke signals throughout the island.
Now we get our first look at the inhabitants of the boat, and British they are indeed -- British pirates, that is! Ruh roh.
Crusoe runs out to the beach to greet them, and one of the pirates jokes to the sole lady pirate Judy (I hope she's not in the book and that name is an homage to Judy Garland's horrible, drug-addled performance in The Pirate... but I bet it's not) that they've found her a husband. She doesn't find it very funny. Then they start shooting at Crusoe, who protests that he is unarmed. The leader of the pirates then instructs them to charge and kill at will. It is a foot race to the death!
This foot race is particularly treacherous for the pirates because Crusoe has set up various Rousseau-esque booby trap checkpoints throughout the jungle. Two pirates are killed by the traps, one outsmarts them.