Fall Pilot Season: Crusoe

by Mindy Monez October 20, 2008
Crusoe Premiere

The surviving pirate catches up to Crusoe, who's been lost in one of his wifey flashbacks for a couple minutes, and he chases him up to a new character: an African-American man dressed in Hollywood's interpretation of old-timey African casual wear. He shoots the pirate in the shoulder with a bow and arrow, and calls Crusoe an idiot for going to the beach to meet some strange men unarmed. He has an excellent point. They have some fun banter while the pirate sits around bleeding, and it is obvious they are close friends. Also -- 10 minutes down, only 70 to go! We can do it!

The pirate starts swearing in Spanish, and Crusoe's buddy answers back to him in the language. So, just for the record here, this guy speaks English and Spanish, but has an indistinguishable accent that is nowhere near either of those. Crusoe persuades them to switch back to English, and buddy persuades the pirate to tell them what they're doing on the island -- they're looking for some legendary treasure -- by threatening to yank the arrow out of his shoulder. After they get the information they want, buddy yanks it out anyway. I would have enjoyed that if this weren't the most piss-poor excuse for a television show since Beastmaster. Which I'm totally craving now.

The three of them make their way back to the beach, and we learn that Crusoe calls his friend "Friday" because that was the day of the week that they met, and he can't pronounce his real name. We're also treated to the first instance of someone calling Friday a "savage" and Crusoe getting in their face about it, all "Don't be racist! It's 1719! Get with the now!"

Crusoe tries to bargain with the pirate, saying that he and Friday won't interfere with their treasure hunt as long as he tells someone in authority that he needs rescuing once they get back to England. The pirate sort of looks like he's about to bend for a moment, when the Cap'n suddenly appears, smarmily saying he loves the sob story, but he needs a man with some local knowledge to help them find the booty. Crusoe and Friday are now hostages. Hey, Cap'n -- I'll orchestrate a Goldfinger-like plan to rob Fort Knox and give it all to you if you shoot them both in the face right now and put an end to this nightmare of a series. He's not responding to me. Everyone's still alive. I'm gonna need a big bucket of gin if this is really going to continue.

Trekking across the island now, all the pirates in tow. The Cap'n explains that they are privateers, like anybody didn't already know that. All the pirates are total Disneyland characters and completely ridiculous, as is every single thing that's happening, by the way. The half-assed treasure map has been carved on the back of one of the pirates, but it's total gibberish and Crusoe says he can't read it. Seriously, it's like a couple circles and a wavy line. The privateers get all surly, and threaten to kill Friday if Crusoe doesn't just figure it out already. Friday breaks free and jumps off a cliff, but somehow manages to cling on to a lower ledge. The pirates think he is dead, but he slowly climbs back up and crawls away with no one but Crusoe noticing, even though there are about a dozen of them, just standing around staring at the cliff he just crawled up. Unbelievable. Am I still watching this? Friday runs through the jungle. Crusoe pretends to decipher the map. He's going to lead them on a wild goose chase to buy time. Kind of like they're doing with me!

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