Fall Pilot Season: Crusoe

by admin October 20, 2008
Crusoe Premiere

Back at the beach, some Spaniards have arrived! They are after the pirates. Before embarking on their pirate search party, they shoot a hole in the pirates' boat. This will work, because neither chewing gum nor Spongebob Squarepants have been invented yet. They cross paths with Friday, and since he conveniently speaks Spanish (also for reasons we'll never learn), they decide to team up to find the pirates, in exchange for Crusoe's safety. Then they inexplicably switch to English, even though it is neither of their native languages. The Capitan tells Friday he doesn't believe there is gold here, and also lets him know that his men are idiots. Off they go!

The traveling treasure hunters march on. Judy makes the mistake of calling Friday a savage, and Crusoe gets in her face about it, then flashes back to when he first met Friday, and it is some seriously stereotypical shit, so I'm just going to gloss over it. Basically he was a prisoner in the custody of some extravagantly garbed African men who brought him to the island, put him in restraints and hopped around him, yelling and shaking giant maracas in a threatening manner. Later, we find out Crusoe came to his rescue and saved his life, miraculously defeating all the men one-by-one like that scene in The Patriot.

Flashback over. The Cap'n has finally figured out that Crusoe is leading them in a giant circle, and he's pissed. He puts a gun to his head (again) and Crusoe talks his way out of it (again). I am so sick of this.

More walking. Judy explains that her father and his crew stole the gold when it was on its way to Spain, and they recast it in the shape of a cannon so they could smuggle it to the island. Then they buried it. Aaaand more flashbacks.

Crusoe is walking with Sean Bean, who is escorting him to Sam Neill's house to get a loan so he can marry Susannah. They arrive, Sam Neill agrees to give him an exorbitant amount of money as long as he can be one of his future children's godfather. Aww.

Present. Crusoe leads the pirates to the top of a giant waterfall, which is supposed to be the end of the hunt and the location of the golden cannon. They're not buying it, of course, because it's a crock, so Crusoe relies on the age-old "Hey! What's that over there?" trick, and once their backs are turned, pulls a Fugitive and dives down the waterfall. And Friday magically appears at the bottom to fish him out completely unharmed. Kill me.

The Spaniards have also arrived, and are engaged in a musket battle with the pirates atop the waterfall. They capture the pirates and lead them back to shore. Crusoe and Friday watch in hiding, because Crusoe knows the Spaniards will want to lock him up for being a British mariner. I'd like to lock him up for being bone-crushingly boring, personally, but, oh God, no time for that because it's effing flashback time again. It's Crusoe's wedding, where they had hot pink confetti. In 1719. For real.

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