Fall Pilot Season: Crusoe

by Mindy Monez October 20, 2008
Crusoe Premiere

Friday and Crusoe are enjoying a romantic candlelit dinner together in the treehouse. Friday tells Crusoe he's sorry he missed out on his chance to get off the island, and Crusoe tries to be tough, saying, "Oh, there will be other ships." Friday abruptly tells Crusoe that because he saved his life the day they met years ago, he will never leave his side, and there are no two ways about it! This is new information for Crusoe, because apparently they've never discussed this before, even though they've had nothing but years of being alone together with virtually nothing else to talk about. Oh well, sometimes things just don't come up. Crusoe thinks Friday's being ridiculous and flippantly says, "I release you!" Friday gets all huffy with, "I am not your slave!" I am impressed that these two are already aware of the historical impact of the African slave trade on race relations, especially in America, where neither of these two have ever been. Crusoe apologizes, and they make up. Friday says they will get back to Crusoe's family, and on that day, his children will meet "their Uncle Friday." Oh yes, young black man, I'm sure you'll be welcomed as an accepted and equal member of this 18th century English family. Jesus.

Morning in the treehouse. Crusoe is using his elaborate orange juicing apparatus, and I have to admit it's kind of cool. Utterly ridiculous and a complete waste of my time, but still, pretty cool. The lovely morning is soon interrupted by the return of the pirates and Spaniards, now in cahoots to find the gold, which they are still under the impression that Crusoe knows the location of, despite the mountains of evidence to the contrary. Also despite the fact that not 24 hours ago the Spaniard Capitan thought the pirates were completely wrong about their being gold on the island, but he's done a complete 180 for no conceivable reason. They all fire at each other for a while, and Crusoe puts more of his gadgets to use to defend himself. This culminates in Crusoe blowing up a barrel of gun powder in mid-catapult assault, which was a pretty cool explosion, actually. The blast kills the majority of the attackers, and also unearths the golden cannon they're all looking for, which was under the treehouse all along. Did Crusoe know this the entire time? This is never explained. The good news is the surviving pirates and Spaniards somehow overlook the enormous solid gold cannon at their feet and take off running for their boat.

Crusoe and Friday chase them, because they're really, really stupid, and they find Judy and El Capitan at the beach making their getaway. Judy runs up and gives Crusoe a goodbye kiss he doesn't want, and El Capitan graciously decides not to shoot them both because it will amuse him so much more to let him rot on the island he hates so much. Crusoe and Friday return to the treehouse, where they decide not to keep the solid gold cannon, because it's cursed and they're idiots, so they drop it in the ocean. Idiots! And we're finally out! Hope you hated it as much as I did!

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