"A little known fact about this, the biggest story of the new millennium. There is at least one person who makes a credible claim that our alien visitors have been here before. In 1985, to be exact..." That trooper from "Kansas" appears: "Welcome Robert Shelmacher, former Sheriff of Orlando." He's older but recognizable and a HITG, in orange pants and a tan sport coat, with something weird on the floor beside him. "Still Sheriff. Always Sheriff. No alien's gonna run me off my job!" This part's awkward and weird on many levels, as he explains his adventures back in 1985: "Ears, tentacles, Cher." And he holds up his gourd, which has straw sticking out of it like earbrows: "Their leader." Monroe starts to notice that Shelmacher is fucking fucked up, but continues. "In the Sheriff's defense, way back in 1985 he filed a report with the FBI, giving what we now realize are fairly accurate descriptions of General D'Argo, Noranti, Officer Sun and Dominar Rygel." The files remain sealed, and no one in the government will talk about it. "Can you tell us what you remember of that time, Sheriff?" Shelmacher goes nuts at this point about how they kidnapped Johnny and sabotaged the Challenger to ground us and they put microchips in our heads but he's got a hat with tinfoil inside, and they are planning to make us fat so that we can be defeated through fatty foods and he's been in an institution for the last eighteen years, but at least he's still: "Lean! Undefeatable! Vegetables! Fruit! No saturated fat!" Which is a lot of words to say this: he's the rat, and worth your pity too.

The way that John causes ripples in the world everywhere he goes, and we have to watch them and take responsibility for them, fast-forwarding to see that the best we could wasn't quite good enough and there was collateral damage. That's kind of like real life, if you're brave enough to admit it. Chiana dances on the deck at Chez Alien; asks Bobby to dance and he begs off. She laughs and does a silly dance for him: "I'm drivin', I'm drivin'...and reverse! Reverse!" She laughs and heaves. Still dancing, curious. Innocent: "Bobby, what do you think of sex?" He's bewildered. She tosses her hair: "Sex." He asks why she's asking, and she says she's curious. He's thirteen, he hasn't had sex. "Thirteen? What are you waiting for?" He protests that it's against the law, and she's shocked. "To have sex?" At thirteen? Yes. "Well, that's...frelled. Who cares when you have it?" Starting with his mom? She continues to dance, and a lightbulb goes off: "Okay, so why are all the little girls wearing all those clothes?" Like she's got him in a conundrum. She does. "Because they see it on the TV and in the magazines." But somebody, Chiana stresses, sold them the clothes, "so somebody wants them to have sex." It was never Bobby's innocence she was after, at all. Ever. Again. She's not talking about sex. It's heartbreaking. She's so subtle, dancing around this shit over and over. I love her so much. I don't want to talk about it except to say that the surface of what she's saying is also true, and also terrible. And not in a "what about the children" way, I mean in a real honest-to-God way that there are men who are happier with things the way they are. Buddhist guy cheers for her: "There is an innocence about her that is wonderfully contagious!" Bishop Vosko joins the list of assholes across the universe that lines up to call her a whore. Olivia Crichton scoffs at all comers: "Oh please. Don't make more out of that than is there. She was not coming on to Bobby." Even the xeno guy's like, don't be gross: "I'm not a psychologist, but that's rather innocent, hmm? ...You get more juice from Dawson's Creek." On which subject I have been warned to shut the eff up, so I shall. ["Not much else to say, is there?" -- Sars] The video goes dark.