Crackers Don't Matter

Episode Report Card
Strega: B- | 4 USERS: A+
You Know, For Kids

Chiana is jumping around nervously as she moves through the corridor, calling for D'Argo and Zhaan. From off-camera, Crichton says, "Hi, baby," and when Chiana turns, he throws her against a bulkhead and stands close behind her. Chiana squirms and insists, "I can help you!" Crichton shoves his gun into her back and hisses, "I'm still aching from the last time you helped me. What a slut." The camera moves in on their faces so we can't see exactly what's going on as he pulls at her and she jerks. But we can probably guess, since he then asks, "Is that why your family abandoned you? Because you'd spread 'em for anybody, anytime?" Chiana tries to turn her head and whimpers, "Please don't." Crichton says, "No, 'fraid not. My little black book is all full." He raises the gun to the side of her neck. Then the camera starts to pull back so that there's room for Scorpius to lean in and urge some, ahem, restraint. Scorpius suggests tying Chiana up and saving her "for dessert." Crichton starts to lower the gun, and Chiana turns her head back to look at him as Scorpius adds, "Kill the others. Then we can have a little bit of fun with her." Crichton moves his face through Chiana's hair and admits that he likes that idea. Chiana shivers like a bunny, and Crichton finally clonks her on the back of the head with his gun. And all of that was my favorite part. It's just so wrong.

Up in Command, Rygel whines that he can hear Crichton coming. Aeryn asks if Rygel's going to sell her out to Crichton. Rygel protests, and Aeryn snaps, "You're lying! You know how I know that? Because you always lie." She starts to list Rygel's faults, which is her first mistake, since that's the sort of activity that could keep you busy for years. Luckily, it only takes a half-dozen items before Rygel gets fed up and zooms his way across the room to attack her. Another mistake, since of course Aeryn sees him coming and smacks him right off his throne. Heh.

All of this distracts Aeryn from Crichton's entrance, so by the time she notices him, he's got both of his guns pointed at her. She aims back at him anyway, and Crichton yammers that Aeryn has some character problems: "First you betray the Peacekeepers, and every vow you've made since you were born. And now poor Sparky here?" He sidles across the room as he continues, "Tell, me Princess: when you're old and fat, will you have anything to look back on with pride?" Aeryn waits for a beat, and then asks if that's all. She says, "Why don't you make another speech, you self-important, deficient little man. All you ever do is talk!" She says that Crichton's dad was the hero, and Crichton is "just this test monkey that screwed up [his] first experiment." Crichton chortles, and Aeryn lowers her gun as he calls her a "frigid, flat-butted Peacekeeper skank!" At the "flat-butted" part, Aeryn glances down like she wants to check out her ass. Heh. That's probably my fourth-favorite part.

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