He has to look at D'Argo, in the eye, before D'Argo will obey. "Give me. Your knife."
D'Argo unsheathes the blade and hands it over hilt first. It's silver, but it should have been red: John turns to the casket and reverses it, point toward his heart, and bends down. His face so close to hers, memorizing every detail.
"Aeryn, forgive me. I love you."
And he leans in, and he kisses her, and takes a lock of her hair. He stands, wraps the hair around his fingers. He thinks the thought you don't think, he stares at the blade's edge. He turns to his family. Cold and dead and quiet and still. "I'm ready."
John's strapped to Tocot's table, at the aurora of nothing at all. Waiting for the surgery to kill him. The lights go out, and the green lights come on; Tocot removes his headgear. Grunchlk steps onto the platform: "Are you sure you don't want your friends here?" He's sure. "Doc says because of that thing in your brain, there's no way you were responsible for what happened to that Sebacean." He looks up at Grunchlk coldly, not interested in forgiveness. "Yes, I am."
"After the Doc's cut the tendrils that have hijacked your brain, he's gonna try and take out the neurochip completely. But he needs your help. Because there is no template of your brain pattern on our database, he doesn't know what bits of gray do what. So when he probes, you tell him." It's always memory, isn't it, in stories like this. Once they've taken away everything you had, they start in on the things that make you up.
I don't actually know the reference for the title. "Die Me, Dichotomy." It's always struck me as weird. I know he wants to die; I know he's split in half. I know one side of him burns like the sun and the other is cramped and bound by darkness. I know he dies three times, in three different ways, and they all have to do with the other side of himself: he becomes Harvey; he loses Aeryn; he loses wormholes, the ability to beg for forgiveness, or pity, or death. I know that the only thing worse than losing speech is losing the desire to speak. I know he begs for death in every way he can throughout the episode. I know that the only thing that keeps him alive is hate, which is a kind of death. I know Aeryn didn't even consider the possibility, because she believes in him so strongly. I know watching it kind of makes you want to die. It's a two-part process, a dichotomy of soul and spirit. If he would lay down his life for her, then the one you mourn is the one that lived.