Home On The Remains

Episode Report Card
Keckler: C+ | Grade It Now!
Zhaan Goes To Seed

Okay, this is now really starting to drag. Following at a discreet distance, Crichton shadows B'Sogg through the caverns. B'Sogg stops at one point to sniff the air before continuing. Ah, so that explains his double nose -- he's got a superior sense of smell. Of course, if he had only stood there half a second longer, he would have seen Crichton's floodlight coming around the corner. How subtle, Crichton. Crichton turns off his stupid-bright flashlight only when he hears the creak of a heavy metal door. Too late, because B'Sogg already knew Crichton was following him and specifically led him into a trap. Crichton finds the door, which is handily equipped with long ass spikes as a locking mechanism, and sees B'Sogg's stash of crystals. B'Sogg now makes his presence known -- he's standing way far back from the spiked door -- and says Crichton came to steal his crystals. They trade barbs until Crichton hears the keedva roaring in the distance. "What say we take this conversation elsewhere," Crichton suggests quickly. Nope. B'Sogg takes out a dog whistle and blows hard on it. Surprise! Surprise! It's the same high-pitched sound that usually drives the keedva off. Crichton realizes B'Sogg has been training the keedva for his own murderous purposes. The keedva slowly lumbers into the cavern next to B'Sogg and we can finally see the monster out of the shadows. It has the body of a gorilla and a face of a -- well, to put it in classic Jim Henson terms, the keedva is a cross between Labyrinth's Ludo and those biting things on sticks that were being used to tease Ludo.

B'Sogg, who is clearly able to exert some sort of verbal control over the keedva, explains, "It's a primitive animal but intelligent in its own way. Over the years, we have developed a mutually beneficial relationship." Crichton says he doesn't need to hear about B'Sogg's personal life. The keedva plants his big, furry butt in front of Crichton and opens his maw loudly. Crichton tells the keedva, "You know, I should warn you, I don't taste too good." I think many would beg to differ. Or at least, they'd love to be given the chance to decide that for themselves. Chiana's voice echoes down the tunnels as she shouts his name. B'Sogg backs out, leaving Crichton and the keedva alone together. Crichton tries to reason with the keedva as one would a rabid dog, but it doesn't really get him anywhere. He throws something for the keedva to fetch and, like a dog, the keedva turns to fetch in the opposite direction. The keedva's eyes are so weird looking -- and oddly positioned right on top of his head -- that he might actually be blind. They look like they have skin growing over where eyeballs would be -- sort of like Dementors, but bulgier. Crichton shouts at the keedva to go in the other direction and when the keedva does, Crichton yells encouragingly, "Good boy!" Having none of that sort of condescending talk, the keedva backhands Crichton across the cave and then hustles over to salivate over him. "No more of that Captain Kirk chit-chat," Crichton says, thoroughly confusing me. I was sort of thinking of this episode as "Devil in the Dark" -- the one where Kirk and Spock are trapped in caves by a sentient silicone egg-laying sausage pizza -- and I don't remember Kirk really talking to it. Spock mind-melds with it, but they aren't too chatty. Was Kirk overly chatty with beasties on Star Trek? It was...alwaysHIS...constiPATED...deliverywithodd...STARTSandSTOPS that struck me. Maybe Crichton's thinking of all the times Kirk caused a computer to smoke and die just by yelling at it?

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