Mind The Baby

Episode Report Card
Keckler: A | Grade It Now!
The One Where Talyn And Crais Elope
A few things to get out of the way:
1. My wonderful gift DVD player has made my recapping life -- oh, who are we kidding? It's made my life so happy and pleasant. 'Scapers are the best.

2. My cell phone is programmed to ring with the Farscape theme song. I'm a geek.

3. Here we are with season two's sails unfurling. I must warn that I both love and hate this season. But first, the love.

Jumping right into the action, we see a threatening ship energizing its guns with pretty red electric currenty things. It reminds me of the Exploratorium exhibit that makes your hair stand on end. The camera zooms all desperate and cockeyed into Moya, getting a glimpse of Chiana poking her windblown head around a bulkhead as Pilot announces that the Sheyang vessel is getting ready to fire. Do you think her hair naturally grows that way or do you think she uses product? I think it's the former, which means those follicles of hers are on serious acid. Oh, God, speaking of follicles on acid, I just remembered "Taking the Stone." Man, I pity the recapper who... fuck. That'll be me. "Stah-burst," Rygel splutters breathlessly, "Stah-burst now!" Pilot replies that Moya can't because she isn't ready to starburst. She's much more in the mood to skittle. Chiana wails at Zhaan to do something. Yes, Zhaan will fix things. Zhaan will always...fix...things? Zhaan is standing in the middle of the chamber, her hands up, palms facing us. There's a psychotically peaceful look on her grinning face as she assures Chiana, "D'Argo, he can help them. He can talk to them." Chiana grabs Zhaan's face in her hands and tells Zhaan that D'Argo is gone. "No D'Argo, no Aeryn, no Crichton," Rygel informs us. Chiana runs across the listing floor and says they're all going to be dead in a few microts. "D'Argo can save us," Zhaan keeps insisting, "He can, he has to save us." Boy, the lighting on her face and the bobbing camera make Zhaan look like a funhouse clown. Very creepy. The Sheyangs fire. "D'Argo, we need you!" Zhaan speaks into her wrist where I assume she has pinned a communicator brooch, but given her state of mind, I wouldn't be surprised if she was trying to communicate via her vesicles. Moya is hit, Rygel rocks around, Chiana screams, and pipes steam smoke. Zhaan screams maniacally for D'Argo.

Elsewhere, Zhaan's calls for D'Argo translate into Crichton's less urgent, "D'Argo. Shake it off. Come on, Rock, get off the canvas, you can do it. Rise and shine. Up and at 'em. Break through." The flat, bored tone of his voice tells you he's been trying to rouse D'Argo for awhile now. Sure enough, Crichton mutters that "this" is getting old and wishes D'Argo would at least talk in his sleep. Suddenly, D'Argo gasps and thrashes up, asking wildly, "What would you like me to say?!" Crichton puts a hand on D'Argo's heaving chest to calm him and says, "Whoa -- what about 'great to be back'?" D'Argo, panicked, asks if he was away. Sure as hell was. He was out for days, but Crichton lost track of time. Crichton wants to know if D'Argo knows who he is, if he recognizes him. Of course D'Argo does but he does not recognize where they are. "AM I DEAD?!" D'Argo bellows. Before Crichton can answer that, while he himself might exist all celestially lit with halos and blue nightgowns in other people's heavens, they aren't actually dead, D'Argo grabs Crichton around the back of the head, shaking him and bellows again, "AM I DEAD?!" Crichton seriously assures him that he isn't dead, which D'Argo finds hysterical. Once he recovers a bit, he asks why the hell they aren't dead. Aeryn found them, scooped them out of space, brought them to their current location, and then took off to do some grocery shopping. "This rock scores a nine on atmosphere but only a two on food and water," Crichton explains. "We have a lot to thank her for," D'Argo says in that ponderous tone that never fails to remind me of Klingons talking about honor, mass murder, and their version of Hamlet. Crichton agrees.

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